Random Acts of Kindness - 8th December 2015

Today's Random Act of Kindness was to tell someone 10 things that you love about them!

Sophia picked her Aunty.....

1) I love when Aunty kisses me with lipstick on;

2) I love when Aunty comes to visit me;

3) I love Aunties nails;

4) I love when Aunty does my nails (does she know you shouldn't do them all the time, it's not good for them);

5) I love when Aunty brings me dinosaur cards;

6) I love when Aunty takes me to a cafe;

Ummmmmm, she's only 4, she could only come up with 6!

So I asked James........

7) Auntyyyyyyyyy;

Ummmmmm, he's only 2, guess I'll finish it!

8) I love how my sister cares about the future of all children and is invested into educating each and every student she has;

9) I love how my sister puts family before anything else;

10) Most of all I love how my sister loves my children like they are her own.  Both my babies are blessed to have a loving, caring, devoted Aunty!

xxx

It's not all smiles and carols.....

On Sunday, in the 30 degree heat I text my husband whilst at the shops and said "Start putting the Christmas tree up, the kids and I will decorate when we get home"!

How simple was that?

All I wanted was to complete one of our family traditions, decorating the tree with carols, laughter, cheer and fun!  Simple right?!? Wrong.

I arrived home to find my not so impressed husband putting up the tree, sweating like a pig and looking like if the kids and my parents weren't around that tree would be thrown right at my head.

"Oh great you got my text" I cheerfully said!

The kids started jumping up and down, extremely excited to be decorating the tree.

So whilst hubby completed the assembly with two highly passionate kids saying 378 times "Can we decorate yet?" I went on the hunt for the decorations.

The first box I found was the one with the really cute teddies that sing a Christmas song when you press their hand, my two year old found these toys rather impressive.  Hot and flustered hubby, not so much!

I went into the garage and finally found the box of decorations...... BURIED RIGHT AT THE BOTTOM!  I came out and asked hubby to help me retrieve them.  We exchanged a few choice words in the garage out of the kids earshot and then finally we had them out.

The kids started decorating (still singing along to the merry teddy bear), my Mum laid on the couch icing her face from a headache, my Dad was out the back watering my gardens trying to figure out how much Seasol per litre of water (in 30 degree heat) and hubby just refused to be apart of it at this point and went for a shower!

Christmas isn't always like in the movies, perfectly dressed children happily decorating Christmas trees and singing along to carols (in tune of course).  It was hot, it was crazy and it was extremely messy!

At the end, the tree was decorated, the house was full of dust thanks to the decorations being stored in the garage but more importantly the kids both had a HUGE smile on their face.  

Hubby and I had time to take a breath (and remove the singing teddy from the 2-year old) and we sat back, ate vegemite sambos with the kids and admired our artistically decorated tree (Mum and Dad had already bailed out by this point).

Enjoy YOUR kind of Christmas.  Don't try and make it someone else, make it your own!

Wake up call.....

The words that came out of my 4-year olds mouth broke my heart.  I felt like I had failed.  I knew in this moment that she had been exposed to everything I was trying to protect her against.  She had been exposed, thanks to me!

I was getting ready for work, standing in front of the mirror in my underwear.  My girl stood next to me and starred.

She asked me in her soft, sweet voice "Mumma can you do my hair like yours today?", "Yes sweetheart" I responded.  She went on to ask for the same hair, the same shoes, the same lipstick, the same belt.  She wanted to be just.like.Mumma!

Once I had finished getting ready I looked down at her and told her how beautiful she looked.  She responded "Mumma do you think people will think my tummy looks big in this dress?".  My heart broke.  I honestly had to fight back the tears.

How could these words be coming out of the mouth of my beautiful, sweet, amazingly perfect 4-year old girl?

Right then I knew that I hadn't done enough, I hadn't worked hard enough to shield her from any of my own insecurities.  I thought I was doing so well, clearly not good enough.

Her innocent and pure 4-year old mind did not need to be thinking such thoughts.  She didn't need to be exposed to the awful world of body insecurities.  She is FOUR!

I looked at her in the eyes and said to her "My darling girl no one could ever think your tummy looks big in that dress because your tummy is perfect, your entire face is perfect, your body is perfect, you my dear are perfect".  She gave me one of her tender smiles and carried on with her morning.

I understand that she wouldn't have comprehended the question she was asking me.  She doesn't genuinely feel that people think her tummy is big.  However, she has clearly heard me say these words.  She has likely heard me as my husband the same question.

She mimics EVERYTHING I do. She wants to be just like Mumma.  So in order for me to do the best job I can possibly do as a Mumma I need to fill her world with positive affirmations and reassurance.

Although life is challenging and I am raising strong and resilient children, body image is not something I feel they are ready for.  I don't feel they need to be thinking let alone worrying about this topic at such a young point in their lives.

So I will now tell my little shadow that in this house we embrace and love our body, it is the most amazing thing we will every own.

My letter to Sophia..... August 2013

To my darling girl,

In all of my letters to you they have been written on special occasions, times of happiness and celebration. This letter is written during a tough time, during a time when things are not perfect. I want to write this now so that my feelings are fresh and clear in my mind, and my memories aren't clouded.

This letter is to help you if you choose to be a mummy one day. 

My gorgeous Sophia, being a mummy is the most rewarding, enjoyable job in the entire world. It is also the hardest, most challenging and toughest experience you will ever have. However, each difficult step you come across, every challenge and every obstacle will help you grow stronger and wiser.

This my dear is my promise to you......

I promise that when it is time for you to be a mum I won't sugar coat things, but I will always help you see the light and the positive side of all situations.

I promise that I will not interfere with your family, yet I will show my ongoing support and offer my guidance whenever it is needed.

I promise that I will be a shoulder for you to cry on and someone you can always reach out to. I will offer my advice and share with you my experiences, yet it will be your decision to do with this information as you please.

I promise that no matter how old you are that I will always be your Mumma and I will always be there for you in whatever capacity you need me to be.

What I am learning is that babies are just small people, they aren't perfect, they aren't robots and most importantly they are all so different. One persons experience with motherhood may be completely different from the rest. All I can do when you become a mother is share with you my experiences and hope that in some way they can help you.

The day you become a mother your world changes forever. You are now responsible for another human being, ensuring their safety, health and happiness always comes first. This feeling can be very overwhelming at first, however, in time you will grow into that role.

I will try my best to guide you on the importance of balancing your partner and children's happiness and wellbeing as well as ensuring your needs are always a priority. It is so crucial that you as the mother and wife are happy, to ensure you can keep your family unit content.

When your baby brother was born my time with you was halved, I still worry that I'm not able to give you enough of my time and attention. However, I just want you to know how proud of you I am. I am so honored to say you are my daughter. You are only two years old as I write this letter and the love and affection you show your brother amazes me. You have adjusted so well and I couldn't have asked for a better outcome.

When I was pregnant with James I was so worried how you would adjust and react to such a big change. How was I to know then, that it was me who would struggle. You my dear have just taken it all in your stride.

Having your baby brother has been a tough time for Mumma. When it was just the two of us things seemed so easy. Having two babies is a whole new challenge, which I am still trying to figure out. I honestly didn't think it would be this hard.

My love for your brother is as strong and intense as my love for you. My heart aches as I look at his beautiful little face. However, since he was born, Mumma has been very sick. Just know beautiful girl, I'm fighting to get better. I don't want to be sick. I want to be happy and healthy with my two amazingly beautiful children.

I am learning that certain things are out of my control and I need to slow down and re-assess my priorities. If you decide to become a Mumma one day, all of this will make sense. It is the most surreal and intense time of your life, I’m slowly learning to embrace this huge change. It's amazing, rewarding and at times very difficult.

Some times things seem hard for Mumma and I may scream and shout, I may even be sad and upset, however, when you are much older and reading this I hope you don't remember those times, but instead remember the fun times we share together.

I hope you are left with memories of dancing and singing in the lounge room with Mumma, of me watching you at dancing each week, taking you to your swimming lessons and playing with you at play group. This is what I want you to remember. I want you to look back on your childhood with similar fond memories that I have of mine.

Life feels so difficult at times but then you give me a smile, a cheeky laugh, a cuddle or a kiss and it all feels worth while. I am reminded of why I chose this role and why it is ultimately what I love to do.

Sophia Rose, I love you with all my heart. I know whether you choose to become a mother or not you will grow into a beautiful young woman. You are already headed down that path.

Lots of love, your devoted mother xxx

This photo was taken the day after I was diagnosed with PND.  I felt like my world would never be "normal" again.  However, through hard work and determination my life is back on track.

You don't need to enjoy "EVERY" moment!

I was chatting to a friend yesterday.  She mentioned how every time she logs onto Facebook there are numerous posts and articles about enjoying every moment with your children.  They talk about how we will wish they were younger again one day and to not wish the years away.

We both had a chat about this in depth and had a few things we agreed on.........

Firstly, I enjoyed the baby years.... YES.  I'm enjoying the toddler years...... YES.  However, will I necessarily want to re-live each stage, maybe not, probably not.

Although I sometimes get teary when my babies reach a milestone or when a particular "phase" is over, I simply move on and enjoy the next chapter.  I think each chapter and phase of being a Mum is just as exciting and rewarding as the last.

If I'm being completely honest I am in fact enjoying and loving the toddler years much more than the newborn phase.

The other point we both agreed on was the whole concept of "enjoying" every moment.  So let's get a few things straight.  I believe in being grateful for what we have in life, I believe in enjoying the positives of your day/week/month, I believe in reflecting on your life and realising how blessed we are.  Yet what I don't agree with is enjoying every.single.moment.

There is so much pressure on Mum's these days to enjoy every moment, I feel it's causing more anxiety when we are having a bad day.  I'm certain that social media also plays a part in this.  People are sharing a snap shot of their lives, an add if you like for the "good times".  It isn't often we see the imperfections or the struggles (and when you do they tend to then be extreme).

Take my day yesterday for example...... I enjoyed that my kids ate all their brekkie (winning), I enjoyed that my cousin and her son were over for a play date, I enjoyed going to the gym and having time out.

However, I DID NOT enjoy having to ask 15 times for Miss 4 to put her shoes on, I did NOT enjoy negotiating with Mr 2 to sit in the trolley because Mummy didn't bring the pram, and I certainly DID NOT enjoy Mr 2 slapping Miss 4 in the face three times.

There will always be moments or even days were we just don't ENJOY being a Mum.  That's ok.  We are only human.

So back to my original philosophy and core beliefs, cherish your children, smother them with love, be present in the moment and be grateful they are yours.  However, allow yourself every now and then to say "well today kinda sucked!".

Live, laugh & be happy!

A constant term or phrase that is being used a lot lately is "mindfulness".  We are always being told to slow down and be present.  Some people perceive slowing down to be staying home for the day, others it's not doing formal kids activities.  For me, slowing down is to stop, breathe, feel my own sense of calm and take in that moment.

Earlier this week we experienced one of those perfect beach days again.  So of course I took the opportunity to take both babies to the beach and catch up with a close friend.  Instead of the day going past in a flash I like to stop and take in everything around me.  The sound of the ocean, the waves as they hit the sand, the smell of the salt water, the rays of sun as they hit (and ultimately end up burning) my back.

My daughter decided to borrow her friends floatie for most of our time at the beach, so I sat with my little boy in the sand and watched as she was in toddler heaven.  She floated in and out of the ocean with the flow of the waves.  I diligently kept my eye on her enough to ensure her safety, but also relaxed enough to take in every moment of my day.

The chatter between my friend and I was of course endless, we laughed and watched our kiddies play and both agreed in that moment we really were blessed.  I stopped and said to her "look at our lives"!

We have been friends since high school and since having children around the same time have re-connected and built an incredible bond.  To stop and think of where we have both ended up in life, makes me extremely happy and content.

So whatever it is you're doing, even just a simple trip to the beach, take in every single moment.

Enjoy your life, take note of the smaller things, be grateful, laugh from the bottom of your tummy and love from the deepest part of your heart.

"Two held in my arms, five held in my heart"

I have always been a big believer of getting rid of tension, negativity and drama in my life.  I encourage my friends and family to do the same.  If something is too difficult or too much work then it probably isn't worth being emotionally invested in.  I take this approach with the people I have in my life.

Having said that, on the flip side, I also keep an extremely open mind and try my very best (not always perfect) at being non-judgemental.  I definitely believe in the saying that people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Although I find that when someone leaves your life, for whatever reason, you can close the door, however, don't lock it.  Don't throw away the key.  You can move on mentally and emotionally, yet still be open to what the future may hold.

I have a family member who I haven't spoken to for over two years.  Not necessarily any real reason, I guess we just lost contact and our lives were going in different directions.  Although I had accepted that and I assume she had accepted that, nothing was really spoken.

Recently she stumbled across my blog and found my story about losing the twins in January this year.  I received a text asking for my address.  I was curious as to why she wanted my new address, however, I didn't ask any questions and passed it on.

When I returned home that day from a long, exhausting day of work, gym and day care pick up I found the most thoughtful and beautiful gift in my letterbox.

This very generous family member had purchased a beautiful necklace for me with five stunning charms enclosed in a locket.  She wrote me a touching message "Two held in my arms, five held in my heart".  I was blown away.  I could not believe that someone who I hadn't spoken to in over two years could be so caring and kind.

I talk a lot about kindness and how we should all be more kind to each other.  When acts of kindness like this happen in life, especially to me, it restores my faith in people.

So my message to you all is, rid your life of negativity, don't hold onto the trauma or stress of the past.  However, always keep an open mind.  We don't know what the future holds.

I can't thank this lady enough and I will cherish this gift forever.

I've hit the half way mark!

I have been sharing my weight loss journey with you all which commenced in April 2015, so on that note I am excited to share that I have hit the half way mark.  I have now lost 12kg!

Although this is a huge accomplishment and I am extremely proud of my effort so far, I'm also nervous.  Half way is dangerous territory.  It's when people start noticing, you start feeling better, you have more energy and a little more confidence.  Therefore, it's easy to stop.  It's easy to think that you are happy enough to stay in this position.

So I have promised myself that my journey is NOT over.  I am HALF WAY, not finished!

I think the second half will be much harder than the first.  I think things will need to change in order for me to drop the next 12kg.  However, I am prepared for this.  I am prepared for an even bigger and tougher challenge ahead.

To everyone who is on some sort of weight loss or body transformation journey, hang in there.  It is such a challenging journey, yet it is a fun one.  It is rewarding and invigorating.

I promise myself I will become a strong and fit Mumma!  I'm doing it for me, I'm doing it for my children and I am doing it for my husband.  So we can all mutually experience the best version of me.

Mum's the word!

How many times a day do you hear the word Mum? Mum, Mumma, Mummy, Mummmmm.  I loose count most days.

The other day we were in the car and my son was calling me "Mummy, mummy, mummy", I was selectively ignoring him.  Then I heard "MUMMMM".  My husband and I couldn't help but laugh.

We take hearing that word for granted.  It happens countless times in any 24 hour period that after the 137th time it's just a word, not much meaning.

A few days ago I had had what felt like an endless day with the kids.  No day sleeps, no down time, no rest, just go go go.  By the end of the day we were all exhausted.  I needed a minute or I felt as though my head was going to explode.

I sat the kids down to their dinner of pasta and cheese (don't judge, I gave myself a high five that it wasn't McDonalds).  While they eat their dinner I normally run around putting a load of washing on, doing the dishes, doing the prep for mine and hubby's dinner.  However, on this day I needed to just stop and be.  So I sat on the lounge while they ate their dinner (in front of the TV, yep I'm one of those parents) and let myself relax.

My daughter, already 4, said "Mummy could you please feed me" in her sweetest, softest voice.  Reluctantly I moved the couch forward and helped feed her dinner.  On a night like this I wish someone could feed me.

As I was shovelling the pasta into her mouth she looked up at me and said "Mummy, thank you for helping, I'm just so tired.  I'm lucky to have a Mummy like you".

WOW child.....  Way to make my heart go BOOM BOOM BOOM.

Just like that when you have nothing left in the tank they give you some fuel.

So I said "You're welcome" and continued shovelling in the pasta.

Then of course I started to think.  I'm her Mummy.  I looked over at my son missing his mouth and putting more pasta on the ground than in his tummy, and I thought, I'm his Mummy.

These two little people think I'm pretty awesome just for being me.

Never ever take for granted that you are someone's Mummy.  That you can hear the sound of the word "Mummy" numerous times a day.  It is a very special gift given by God, cherish it!

On the eve of your birthday…..

If someone asked me what the hardest day of the year was for me, it wouldn't be 22nd January, the day we lost you.  It would be 2nd September.

That date is more significant to me.  That date is the day we should be celebrating with you.  We should be raising a glass with you, laughing with you, hugging you, sharing a piece of cake with you and rejoicing in the fact that you are one year older.

God had other plans.  We will never understand them, we may never even accept them.  However, as much as it pains me to say, we can never change them.

So on 2nd September my heart will be heavy.  Instead of celebrating I will be mourning.  Instead of sharing a drink with you, I will drink in your honour.  Instead of laughing with you I will cry.  I will cry until I drift off to sleep and hope you appear in my dreams as you sometimes do.

Our dreams and memories are all we have left.  Memories of your brief life on this Earth.  Memories of happy times when none of us ever could have thought something so tragic would happen to us.  Memories that I cherish and replay in my mind regularly.

I can remember one of my last happy times with you so vividly.  I can still feel the warmth of the Spring evening, the smell of flowers that had already began to bloom, I can hear the laughter at both our table and the people around us.  I can clearly see your beautiful smiling face.  I will never ever forget the tight squeeze you gave me as we left.  I can hear the words you spoke to me.  As you wrapped your arms around me tightly you thanked us for coming to celebrate your birthday.  It was our pleasure I responded.

The memories from that night have been etched in my mind and they will remain there forever.  I replay them in fear of forgetting them.  I replay them so that no matter what my cousin David will always have a place in my heart.

The pain never goes away, the heartache will always be raw.  All I can do to make sense of it and hope that you are in a beautiful place.  I pray to God that you are with him in paradise.

My gorgeous cousin David, my love for you is endless!

Love your cuzzie Jen
x

City2Surf

I enrolled, I conquered and I loved it.

I decided to walk the City2Surf this year in order to raise money for Bears of Hope.  Such a worthwhile charity who help the lives of so many families when their world feels like it has been shattered in an instant.

I joined a team, the team leader, a girl who I had met through Bears of Hope had lost two beautiful babies and I decided to walk with her (and her family and friends) to honour them.

With Renee before the race.  Such an emotional day for Renee walking for her two children Gabriel and Lily.

I was also walking for me.  To honour my three babies who I wasn't able to hold in my arms.  I wanted to prove to myself that it wasn't all for nothing.  I needed to do something, to change something, to fix something.  This was it.

I didn't do any City2Surf training as such (which I don't necessarily recommend).  However, my fitness was improving with all of my gym work and seeing my PT weekly.

When the big day came I was up at the crack of dawn getting ready.  My Mother-in-Law must have lost the memo that firstly, it was only City2Surf and secondly, that this body doesn't really need any extra food.

None the less, as her Eastern European culture would suggest she made me a breakfast of champions…. Bacon, eggs, toast, traditional Macedonian pastries, the works.  I ate what I could and politely said I couldn't fit anymore in or they would be rolling me over the finish line.

Once the race started I felt energised (a little thirsty from all the bacon but energised and ready).  I thought I would feel emotional and possibly sad.  However, my body was full or adrenaline.  I think the City2Surf was a perfect walk to do to remember my babies as the atmosphere around you is electrifying.

I did most of the walk with ease, it was actually when I saw the 12km mark it hit me, I honestly didn't know if I had anything left.  I didn't think I could possibly walk the extra 2km to the finish line.  My legs were hurting, my back was aching, my hips were sore and my feet were starting to form these awesome blisters that I knew at that point would last a few days.

I kept going, as you do, you pull strength from places you never knew you had strength.  I thought of my beautiful family sitting at home waiting for me, I thought about my babies watching down on me, I thought about all the money my generous family and friends had donated and most of all I thought of me.  I knew that I DID NOT want to be the person who couldn't finish.

I decided to run over the finish line (was the only real part of the race I ran) and the feeling of making it to the other side was amazing.

Almost like fate, the minute I crossed, my phone started ringing.  I answered it and it was my husband.  His support to get me to this point was beyond amazing.  I hear "Where are you at"…… ", "I'M FINISHED" I screamed.  All I could then hear was screaming and cheering and clapping.  He was in the car with our two children and my Brother-in-Law.

What a feeling walking down the home stretch seeing Bondi beach in all it's glory.

I made the long journey back to my in-laws house (2 hours to travel 15km).  When I arrived I was greeted like an Olympian.  My daughter ran to the front door screaming "The Champion is home".  My Father-in-Law had a smile from ear to ear and said "Well done we're proud of you".

The feeling of finishing is more than I could have expected.  It was an honour to walk the course and remember all of the babies who were watching over us.

I raised over $1,200 (and team Gabriel and Lily together raised over $6,500) which will be put towards special packages sent to families whose lives will unfortunately change forever.  My hope is that this package will ease their pain ever so slightly.  It will give them something to cherish and love forever.

The support of my family and friends both mentally, emotionally and financially has been amazing.  I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart.

In loving memory of Gabriel & Lily Rosasqui and my 3 Angels in Heaven. 

~ May they rest in paradise ~

 

 

B R E A K F A S T

This title doesn't sound super interesting, so thank you for clicking.

If you have read previous posts you would know that I am on an incredible weight loss journey.  By incredible I  mean fun, exciting and challenging (not that I am some awesome super hero).

So far I can thank most (actually let's be real all) of my weight loss to the gym.  I exercise 5 times per week and just LOVE it.  I think the gym can definitely become an addiction, so I have been sure to work it around my other priorities in life.

I was thinking the other day about my journey so far and I couldn't help but think, if I were to become sick or injured and couldn't go to the gym for a day, a week, a month even, what would happen?

Well we all know what would happen.  The weight would definitely creep back on, and probably a lot faster than it came off.

So I had to make a change.  I had to stop eating "whatever I wanted" and start to think about what goes in my mouth and why.  Am I emotional eating? Do I really "need" that? What is the benefit of this meal to my body and mental health?

I took the plunge and decided to join Weight Watchers.  Now at this point I may have lost some of you as I do know that everyone has an opinion on different diet regimes and what is good for you and what isn't.  Hear me out though…..

I joined Weight Watchers because I needed to take control of my portions.  I think I eat relatively well, however, I definitely eat too much.  I needed (even just for 6 or 12 months) to be accountable for what went in my mouth.

I do like their philosophy of not holding back any foods.  Personally, as soon as someone says to me "You can't eat that", it soon becomes an obsession, it's all I think about.

You can eat whatever you want really, as long as you don't over eat.  They encourage filling foods, foods with a low GI that keep you fuller for longer.

So since joining (only four days ago), I have come up with a healthy, filling, brekkie or snack.  It does have some sugar in it, so those with Diabetes or issues with sugar should review before eating.  However, it also has a huge amount of benefits.  It satisfies my cravings on so many levels and fills me up for at least 3 hours every time.

What I use…….

* 1 squeeze tube of Chobani Greek Yoghurt (plain of flavoured.  Note: flavoured have a higher sugar content)
* 1/2 cup chopped up Strawberries
* 1/2 banana (I save the other half for after my morning work out)
* 20g granola (I use O&G brand), this adds crunch and texture to the dish

You could also sprinkle on top if you wish…..

* Shredded coconut
* Chia seeds
* Teaspoon of honey (if you choose the flavourless Greek Yoghurt)
* Raw nuts (slithered almonds would go perfectly)

This is what breakfast in my house is looking like these days…..

So basically give it a go, it's a great start to the day.  I honestly think if you start the day with a tummy filled with nutritious and tasty foods you definitely start in a better mood.

Set yourself up for success!

Appreciating my body for all it has done for me!

I was sitting in the spa at the gym enjoying some much needed relaxation time.  I was exhausted and sore from walking in the City2Surf the day before.  My body ached, my shins and hips were in pain.  I closed my eyes and started thinking.

I thought about how my body looked five years ago compared to now.  How I was slim, fit and healthy.  I had no stress and life was relatively care free.

I then went on to think about how I have to stop wishing my body was the same as it was five years ago.  Although I am actively trying to improve my health by eating the right foods and exercising regularly, constantly wishing I could rewind the clock is doing my mental health no favours.

In the past four months I have lost 8kg, however, even 8kg lighter I am still 20kg over my "goal weight".  Up until today this is all I kept focusing on.  When people would give me compliments on my weight loss the first thing I would either think or say is "Oh yes but I still have a long way to go".

I haven't once stopped and felt proud that I have lost 8kg.  I haven't stopped and looked at how far I've come since April.  All I have done is look back on photos where I am much thinner than I am today and wished I was in that place.

Sitting in the spa today I thought to myself.  Who was that girl in the photos, who was that thin girl with no wrinkles and perky boobs?  What was it that I daydreamed of back then?  Then it came to me, these were my thoughts in 2010 just five years ago:

* I can't wait to get married;
* As soon as I'm married I want to start a family;
* I need to loose more weight (must get to the gym more, must eat healthier, must cut out junk food).

So even then, even at my thinnest, I don't know that I was every really happy with my appearance.  So I thought to myself, if I wasn't happy then how could I be happy now?

I decided to look at what I have achieved in the past five years which has lead me to where I am today…….

* I may not have a flat tummy anymore, however, this tummy has been pregnant four times and delivered two beautiful babies;
* I may not have perky boobs, however, I breast fed my two gorgeous babies for the first part of their lives to ensure they had the healthiest possible start;
* I may look weathered, however, this mind and this soul has beaten Post Natal Depression, come out the other side of personal grief and faced redundancies, career lows and financial stress head on and still come out ok.

The pre-chidlren and post-children version of my body.  One thing that I can honestly say is in each photo I am truly happy with my life.

My 20's were fun, fast paced and let's face it non-stop.  I had all the time in the world to focus on me and my needs.  I was my main priority.

These days it's a balancing act.  Finding the right amount of time to focus on me and my personal needs as well as looking after my two children and spending quality time with not only my gorgeous husband but also my family and friends.

I feel as though right now everything in my life is well balanced.  The only thing I was continually struggling with is my body image.  I was sick of looking in the mirror and seeing "fat".

So from this day forward I vow not to do that.  I promise myself that whilst I am on this amazing weight loss journey I love my body at each and every stage.

I will praise myself for the amazing job my body has done over the past five years.  I stop and I thank my body for not only providing me with a beautiful family but also for keeping me alive.

For anyone else who is struggling with body image issues, please stop and think about what your body has done for you.  Before you look at yourself in the mirror with disgust and frustration, take a minute to think about where you have come from and where you are going.

Although it is ok to want to make changes, to live a healthier lifestyle and be the best version of yourself, I also think it is important we don't continually beat ourselves up for not being picture perfect.

Living for today!

Live each moment and breath in his presence.  Watch his every movement and listen to his every sound, smell his skin and touch his face.  Don't ever forget what right now feels like.  Tomorrow hasn't come yet and yesterday has already passed, all you can do is live with your boy today.

An open letter to my 2-year old boy....

To my darling boy,

Happy birthday dear boy.  I hope you have had a wonderful day with your family.

Your sister has certainly put in a lot of effort to spoil you and make your day special.  She has told everyone we bumped into today that it's her baby brothers birthday.  She told them how old you turned and made everyone (including strangers) sing to you.  Clearly she takes after her Mumma and just loves to celebrate birthday's.

This day two years ago you entered the world.  You changed the lives of so many people, especially me.  It has been a roller coaster journey with lots of ups and downs, however at the end of every day we thank God that you are apart of our family.

We were blessed when you came into our lives.  You are cheeky and challenging, smart yet clumsy and you sure know how to make everyone laugh.  Although you have a stubborn streak which I think you get from both Mumma and Dadda, you are still so kind and gentle.

You are affectionate and love morning cuddles.  I think my favourite time of day is when you first wake up (albeit 5am most mornings), have your milk in bed with Mumma and Dadda and then pass us your empty cup saying "finished".  Then you roll over, snuggle in and close your eyes.

You wear us out and most mornings we feel drained and exhausted, and although you are up before the sun, we wouldn't trade you for anything (except maybe some more zzzzz's).

Watching you grow over the past two years has been an honour.  As a parent you witness the first words, first steps, first laugh, first cry, everything is new, everything is exciting.  You bring happiness to our home and I am so proud of the beautiful boy you are today.

I can see the terrible twos have hit early, I sometimes yell, I sometimes scream and I sometimes expect way too much from you.  You have only been on this earth for 24-months.  Imagine that, only 2 years old and we already expect you to be so perfect.

Well let me tell you my boy, you are allowed to make mistakes, be loud and cause mischief.  You can get dirty, you can climb (and fall) and you can make a huge mess.

It is my job as your mother to teach you the good from the bad and the wrong from the right.  However baby boy even though I'm older and apparently wiser, sometimes I get it wrong.  Let's learn together, grow together and experience this wonderful thing called life together.

I love you my darling and I will devote my heart and soul into ensuring your happiness.

Lots of love Mumma

Accepting change!

Sometimes we accept and even embrace change, other times we fight it.  We get anxious, we avoid it and we do anything in our power to stop it.  One thing that is certain in life, change is inevitable.

This week I experienced a milestone with my baby boy.  For most people it may seem like a simplistic and non eventful occasion.  Yet for me, it was momentous.

My baby boy who is two in less than a week had his first "big boy" hair cut.  A hair cut you may think? What's the big deal about hair?

To me his long hair represented his personality.  His curly, messy locks suited his cheeky, spunky personality to a tee.  However, it was more than that.  His long hair meant he was still my baby.  It kept him looking young and baby like.

Recently I have been processing and coming to terms with some truths.  Some truths that are emotional and difficult to accept.  My baby boy is about to turn two, this is the age I was picturing myself to be having my third child.  More to the point, if I were still successfully pregnant I would be 7-months already.

When I cut James' hair it made me realise that he's not a baby anymore, he is a toddler.  Obviously it wasn't the hair that turned him into a toddler, however, now when you look at his cheeky little face, there is no denying it.  He's growing up.

Of course having a boy who is growing into a beautiful, healthy, loving toddler should be something to be proud of, and I certainly am, yet it also hurts.

We long for such a huge part of our lives to get married and start a family.  When it finally happens it all just seems to go by so quickly.

At this stage it is looking likely that my little boy will be my last baby.  So for me, seeing him turn into a toddler with just one snip of his hair, made me realise that the baby years are more than likely over for me.

Although there are new and exciting things ahead, and there is an enormous amount of fun and adventures to be had.  For a small moment I need to mourn that my babies are growing up.

No matter what, one thing is for certain, to me, they will always be my babies!

My boy just days before his "big boy" hair cut!

My gorgeous boy all grown up!

We are their everything

This morning I was on my way to take my daughter to the doctors, we had some time to spare. I asked her if she wanted to see Mummy's old house.  "Yesssss Mummy" she answered.

Typical 4-year old behaviour she asked me lots of questions on the way..... "Who did you live here with? Why did you move? How old were you? Why do you now live with Daddy".

I explained to her that when you get older you leave your Mummy and Daddy's home and move into your own home.  I told her that I use to live with my Mummy and Daddy (Nanny and Poppy) and my sister (Aunty).  I said that when she's older she will move out of our home as well, just like I did.

I looked in my review mirror and saw tears running down her face.  Right then memories of my parents explaining the exact same thing to me came flooding back.

I remember at a young age wondering why people moved out of home, when my parents explained it to me I distinctly remember feeling upset.  I couldn't fathom the thought of ever being away from my parents.  The idea of being a grown up scared me.  Why would you leave? Why would you want to be on your own? Who would protect you?

I asked Sophia "What's wrong darling girl?".  She answered as she was fighting back the tears "I don't want to leave you Mummy, I want to live with you and Daddy forever".  Her voice was so soft, so sad, then little tears started running down her face.

Obviously being an adult I understand that it isn't something to be upset over.  However, for some strange reason I felt sad for her because I remember so many years ago feeling the exact same way.

It reminded me that at such a young age your parents are your everything.  Your world.  You can't imagine a life without them.  Being on your own, fending for yourself.

These little people in our lives look up to us for guidance and for approval.  We are their voice, we are there to shelter and protect them.

I looked at her in the mirror and said "Baby girl, you don't ever have to leave Mummy and Daddy, you can stay with us as long as you want".  She wiped away her tears with her chubby little fingers and as she used the end of her sleeve to mop up the snot she said "Thank you Mummy, I love you".

Body image after childbirth

If I am going to write a post about body image than the reality is I must be true to myself.  I can't lie, I can't write what people want to hear, I can't write to project myself in a certain way.  So here it is, my view on body image and my thoughts on my own body image.

Before having babies I considered myself to be reasonably fit.  I enjoyed working out and I made exercise a priority.  I worked in an environment where exercise was apart of the culture and my now husband loved training.  So really, it wasn't all that hard to stay fit. 

After kids came along I realised how hard it was to maintain my healthy weight.  The truth is I never really lost my baby weight from my first let alone my second.  In fact when I recently weight myself at the beginning of my new weight loss adventure I weighed more than when I was pregnant full term with my son (who is almost two).

Certain things had to be in order before I could loose weight. 

Firstly, I had to have the energy.  Living on minimal sleep for 17-months sure did take its toll on my body both physically and emotionally.

Secondly, I had to feel comfortable putting my kids in the crèche.  Even though I had people I could call on to babysit I knew that it wouldn't work unless I did it on my own.  I didn't want to have to call in favours.

Finally, I needed to want it.  Prior to March when I started my adventure I didn't really care about my weight.  I knew I had given birth to two children, having an amazing figure really wasn't on my to do list. 

I started my journey with some light walking with our new puppy.  Within three weeks I was feeling fitter, yet I knew that it wasn't enough.  So one day when at the gym for my kids swimming class I walked over to reception and signed up.  Just like that.  Done.

Honestly, I haven't looked back.  I am loving feeling fit and empowered.  I not only feel more confident, I also feel clearer in my mind. 

I have only lost a tiny amount of weight so far.  To be honest it isn't even a noticeable amount.  However, its the feeling of being stronger and in control that I am loving.

I engaged the help of a Personal Trainer who the first week into my journey broke her arm.  I was so heartbroken for her and for me.  She was the perfect fit.  How could the journey end so soon.  Yet, even "off-duty" she has helped me.  She has motivated me to stay on track and has written me programs based around my own injuries and goals.  Even in her own pain and frustration she has supported me on my adventure.

My husband has been amazing in supporting me (at times even over eager as he loves talking "work outs").  I know I could not have gone through this journey without his support.  He notices every gram I loose and is constantly complimenting me.

Is there too much pressure though.  Do we put too much pressure on ourselves to look like our friends, Mothers in the media, celebrities? Do we try and achieve the unachievable at times?

I think generally speaking society does put a large amount of pressure on us, however, I also believe we put so much pressure on ourselves.

So what I am focusing on this time, on this journey, on this particular adventure, is strength and power.  When my four year old asks why I go to the gym all the time I answer "So Mummy can be strong and healthy".  I don't mention weight loss or anything of the kind.  I don't need her innocent little mind being consumed by these thoughts.

My daughter even said to me the other day "Mummy you have a very big tummy".  I told her "Mummy has a big tummy because that's where you and James lived for 9-months".  She was amazed.  Her face lit up.  She couldn't believe that was why I had this saggy tummy covered in stretch marks.  It was almost like she realised what a miracle it really is.

This time my end goal is when I feel healthy again.  I'm already on that road.  I'm already feeling healthier and lighter.  However, my ultimate goal is not going to be based around a particular image, weight or size. 

I'm older now, my body has carried two babies full term and I am not the person I was in my early 20's.

The adventure isn't going to be easy the entire time, there will be highs and lows.  Although only two months in I have already faced some hurdles (a knee injury and at times lack of confidence) I have vowed to myself to make this a lifestyle change.

I am not on a diet anymore, I am not focusing on what I eat.  I eat what I feel like putting in my mouth, however, with all of my hard training this has naturally become healthy.  My body is craving healthier and cleaner food.  Yet when I am out and socialising with friends and family, I order what I want.

My husband loves exercise and is extremely into fitness, however, he does sometimes get caught up in the end goal.  I say to him all the time "There is no promise of tomorrow, we may leave the earth this weight, be happy now, enjoy the process and enjoy every phase of the journey". 

So I ask all Mums out there, STOP and remember how far you have come.  Whether your journey is physical, mental, emotional or all of the above, you may not be exactly where you want to be, however, enjoy the journey, the adventure. 

Although having an end goal is great and it keeps you motivated, life is all about the adventure.  Do it in your time and on your terms, and most of all, have fun!

Puppy love!

Hubby had been asking for a dog for months.  Actually, let's be real, he wasn't asking, he was begging.  I constantly said no.  Cute text messages of puppy pictures, taking me to pet shops, selling me all the pros of having a dog.  It was so frustrating and just flat out annoying.

When I lost our twins in January I finally realised that the time was probably right.  He agreed to the third child, although it didn't happen, maybe I should agree to the puppy.  So off we went to look at puppies (and of course purchase one).

He knew that whether I wanted the puppy or not I would be a responsible pet owner.  Neglecting a dog just isn't in my make up.  I think it's unfair and cruel.  I knew that although he promised to take care of it, reality was, it would be me who looked after him.

So we brought Maximus (now known as Maxi) home and of course I feel in love.  He is naughty, cheeky and down right dumb.  Either way though, he's mine and I love him. 

As soon as he had all of his injections I started walking him.  I recently mapped out on the map my run website that I've been walking him between 5km - 7km up to six times a week.  We've been putting in a lot of effort to make him apart of our family.

I must say though, I'm surprised at how much I have fallen for the little yellow fur ball.  He is more than my puppy.  He's company when I'm home alone, he's my motivation to get out and go walking, he's always happy to see me and of course he's my pain in the butt.

So I can recommend if you are looking for some motivation to loose weight (I've lost almost 3kg so far just walking him), if you need some friendship in your life and if you are happy to see a perfectly beautiful yard get destroyed, then purchase a dog, in particular, a Labrador.

"Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them and filling an emptiness we don't even know we have" ~ Thom Jones (American Author).

 

Out on one of our adventures!



One of the things which I enjoy about having Maxi around is listening to my two year old reprimand him.  If Maxi jumps at the back door to gain attention I can hear James yell out "Maxxxxxi (think a middle eastern accent with the X) sit doooooown"! 

 

He has brought plenty of laughs, smiles and stress to my life.  I wouldn't have it any other way!

 



My  Maxi Boy

 

 

A friendly wake up call

It was Sunday night, I was exhausted, spent, done..... I had hit a wall.

It was bedtime and my almost 4 year old needs me to lay with her to put her to sleep.  I said to my husband "You can do it, I'm done tonight, I'm clocking off".

I went into the lounge room, closed the doors and turned on the next episode of the latest series I was watching.  I had a hot cup of tea and was finally relaxed.  The day was over, yay!

Moments later the door opens, "She wants you" hubby said.  Oh dear.  Not tonight.  I have no energy. 

So in I went, I climbed in to bed and she automatically snuggled right into me.  She fits perfectly.  Her head is squashed up against my face and so there we laid.

Minutes pass and the chit chatting starts "Mummy you know what?" she whispers.... "Sophia, no talking" I respond. Of course she doesn't listen to my request and on she goes to tell me some muddled up story about a movie she had watched that day, her nails which Aunty had painted and dress up day at day care later in the month. 

Sophia was exhausted and overtired.  I was exhausted.  I just didn't have it in me to lay there.  So I told her I was going to take my medicine and I would be right back.  I hoped she just fell asleep on her own.  Wishful thinking.

I snuck back into the lounge room and closed the doors, I instructed hubby to "deal with it".

Next minute I heard her saying "Where is Mummy, I need her to lay with me".  Hubby told her I had gone to the shops to get some milk (bit random I know).  I could hear her getting upset.  I couldn't come out now, it would prove he lied.  I felt awful.  I felt this pull on my heart. 

He ended up laying with her until she was asleep.  Later that evening I was on the computer and read a beautiful blog about how sometimes our children simply need their Mummies.  After finishing the read I snuck back into her room, she was sleeping so peacefully.

I laid next to her and whispered her name.  I wanted her to wake, she didn't.  I said to her "I love you so much my beautiful girl", I kissed her face and left.

Just like the blog I had read said, if you don't take the time to be there for them, to be their shoulder to sleep on, the person to read them an extra story, to give them those thousands of kisses they love, soon they won't need you.  They won't want you to lay there in bed with them.  They will be all grown up.

I think motherhood is all about balance and making the rules up as we go.  Yes there are times we are just too tired, too spent, too exhausted to have the extra energy to give our children.  I don't condemn this, all mothers need time to themselves. 

All I am saying is, every now and then just dig that little bit deeper.  Trust me, the reward is worth it in the end.  The reward far outweighs the guilt of not doing it.

There is no reason we should feel guilty, there is no logic to it.  Yet it is there, Mummy guilt.  It is a powerful thing. 

I can say though, I have never felt guilty for putting her to sleep.  I have never felt guilty for giving her too much time.  I have never felt guilty for spending an extra minute giving her a hug or a kiss.  I have never felt guilty for reading her one extra book that night.

Hold them tight, breath in their goodness and smother your babies with kisses.  Time is passing us by and you want to look back and know that you gave it your all.

A message to a bereaved mother

As Mother's Day approaches my heart goes out to those Mothers who aren't able to hold their child. 

To those Mothers who may not wake up to breakfast in bed.  Who aren't able to experience the spoils of Mother's Day.  The Mothers whose eyes will fill with tears and who carry a heavy heart.

The strongest of Mothers are those whose babies reside in Heaven.  They are brave and resilient, sensitive and kind.  They know a pain like no other.

Whether you held your baby in your arms or your precious gift left this word before you had the chance, you are a Mother.

Your courage and spirit are an inspiration to many.  I know the days can seem dull, they can seem dark and bleak.  Please know that your Angel is watching down on you. 

May your beautiful Angel bring you strength and peace during such a difficult time of year.

Love and the warmest of hugs to you xxx

Knowing my husband "has my back"!

As a child I had one main dream, to have a family.  I wanted a husband and I wanted children.  It was that simple.

In my early 20's I was passionate about my career.  I studied and worked the long hours in order to succeed.  However, my ultimate dream never really left my mind.  I always knew when I met the right man I wanted to settle down, get married and have kids.

I use to say "I got lucky", I found the perfect man relatively young, we were married and we now have two beautiful children.  However, my psychologist says I'm not lucky, I worked hard to get what I want.

It always gets me thinking, is it luck? Or is it hard work to secure your dream?

Looking back we had a rocky start due to some cultural differences.  My husband has an Eastern European background and I'm Australian.  Although at the time the drama of it all was stressful I am thankful I went through that and fought for what I wanted.

So I guess my psychologist was right, in the early days I did work hard to keep my dream alive.

Once things settled down and we were in a "serious" relationship things did seem to be easy for us.  We were extremely happy and were living very blessed lives.

If I'm being honest even marriage and our first child didn't put much strain on our relationship.  We had some minor ups and downs, nothing that wasn't sorted out quickly.

It was after our second that things changed.  Things got a little difficult.

At the time we were living with my parents whilst we were building our home.  It was cramped and certainly not ideal with our toddler and newborn.  Despite this we worked as a team.  We looked out for each other and we "had each others back".

I was diagnosed with PND and even still we stood strong and united.

The time finally came for us to move into our own home.  We were so excited and I thought at the time that this would be the answer to our prayers.  We would go back to being us again.  That didn't happen.

I think finally being out on our own, the stress of PND, the stress of building, our employment struggles, our severe sleep deprivation, it just all caught up to us.

We became room mates instead of husband and wife.  We argued about silly things.  We didn't look out for each other.  Eventually we were just two people living in the same house.

I knew in my heart that something had to change and we needed to get our relationship back on track.  One thing we did do was communicate.  Yet even though we communicated our problems, we still could not seem to come up with a solution.

One huge change which definitely shifted things in the right direction was when James started to sleep through the night.  Once we had some sleep we then had the energy to engage each other.  To talk, to go out and enjoy our lives again.  Things were looking up.

I have to say though, it was very recently that I realised how much I still love this man.

Our entire family was struck down with a tummy bug.  First it was our 2 year old son.  Watching Chris take care of him whilst I did all the cleaning pulled on my heart strings.  A fathers love for his child is a very touching emotion to witness. 

Once James was better I was hit next.  I was lucky enough to be sick on daycare day so the kids were out of the house and I was able to rest.

It was this one tiny, insignificant text from Chris that really made me think.  He wrote "Don't worry about the kids, don't worry about anything, I've got it covered.  Love you".

Of course with my deep thinking mind it had my thoughts wondering around.  I came to the conclusion then that it isn't all about overseas holidays and fancy dinners (although I certainly wouldn't knock either of them back).  It's about the simple gestures we do for each other.

I think long term romance is about taking care of each other and knowing that no matter what he "has my back".

Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure these conclusions have been struck by people many of times before and I'm simply writing about a topic you already know.  However, when they rung true to me last week it was a nice and refreshing feeling.

We have only been married five years this year, so here is to another five and may we stand and jump over all of the hurdles together.

My darling, I've got ya back!