Body image after childbirth

If I am going to write a post about body image than the reality is I must be true to myself.  I can't lie, I can't write what people want to hear, I can't write to project myself in a certain way.  So here it is, my view on body image and my thoughts on my own body image.

Before having babies I considered myself to be reasonably fit.  I enjoyed working out and I made exercise a priority.  I worked in an environment where exercise was apart of the culture and my now husband loved training.  So really, it wasn't all that hard to stay fit. 

After kids came along I realised how hard it was to maintain my healthy weight.  The truth is I never really lost my baby weight from my first let alone my second.  In fact when I recently weight myself at the beginning of my new weight loss adventure I weighed more than when I was pregnant full term with my son (who is almost two).

Certain things had to be in order before I could loose weight. 

Firstly, I had to have the energy.  Living on minimal sleep for 17-months sure did take its toll on my body both physically and emotionally.

Secondly, I had to feel comfortable putting my kids in the crèche.  Even though I had people I could call on to babysit I knew that it wouldn't work unless I did it on my own.  I didn't want to have to call in favours.

Finally, I needed to want it.  Prior to March when I started my adventure I didn't really care about my weight.  I knew I had given birth to two children, having an amazing figure really wasn't on my to do list. 

I started my journey with some light walking with our new puppy.  Within three weeks I was feeling fitter, yet I knew that it wasn't enough.  So one day when at the gym for my kids swimming class I walked over to reception and signed up.  Just like that.  Done.

Honestly, I haven't looked back.  I am loving feeling fit and empowered.  I not only feel more confident, I also feel clearer in my mind. 

I have only lost a tiny amount of weight so far.  To be honest it isn't even a noticeable amount.  However, its the feeling of being stronger and in control that I am loving.

I engaged the help of a Personal Trainer who the first week into my journey broke her arm.  I was so heartbroken for her and for me.  She was the perfect fit.  How could the journey end so soon.  Yet, even "off-duty" she has helped me.  She has motivated me to stay on track and has written me programs based around my own injuries and goals.  Even in her own pain and frustration she has supported me on my adventure.

My husband has been amazing in supporting me (at times even over eager as he loves talking "work outs").  I know I could not have gone through this journey without his support.  He notices every gram I loose and is constantly complimenting me.

Is there too much pressure though.  Do we put too much pressure on ourselves to look like our friends, Mothers in the media, celebrities? Do we try and achieve the unachievable at times?

I think generally speaking society does put a large amount of pressure on us, however, I also believe we put so much pressure on ourselves.

So what I am focusing on this time, on this journey, on this particular adventure, is strength and power.  When my four year old asks why I go to the gym all the time I answer "So Mummy can be strong and healthy".  I don't mention weight loss or anything of the kind.  I don't need her innocent little mind being consumed by these thoughts.

My daughter even said to me the other day "Mummy you have a very big tummy".  I told her "Mummy has a big tummy because that's where you and James lived for 9-months".  She was amazed.  Her face lit up.  She couldn't believe that was why I had this saggy tummy covered in stretch marks.  It was almost like she realised what a miracle it really is.

This time my end goal is when I feel healthy again.  I'm already on that road.  I'm already feeling healthier and lighter.  However, my ultimate goal is not going to be based around a particular image, weight or size. 

I'm older now, my body has carried two babies full term and I am not the person I was in my early 20's.

The adventure isn't going to be easy the entire time, there will be highs and lows.  Although only two months in I have already faced some hurdles (a knee injury and at times lack of confidence) I have vowed to myself to make this a lifestyle change.

I am not on a diet anymore, I am not focusing on what I eat.  I eat what I feel like putting in my mouth, however, with all of my hard training this has naturally become healthy.  My body is craving healthier and cleaner food.  Yet when I am out and socialising with friends and family, I order what I want.

My husband loves exercise and is extremely into fitness, however, he does sometimes get caught up in the end goal.  I say to him all the time "There is no promise of tomorrow, we may leave the earth this weight, be happy now, enjoy the process and enjoy every phase of the journey". 

So I ask all Mums out there, STOP and remember how far you have come.  Whether your journey is physical, mental, emotional or all of the above, you may not be exactly where you want to be, however, enjoy the journey, the adventure. 

Although having an end goal is great and it keeps you motivated, life is all about the adventure.  Do it in your time and on your terms, and most of all, have fun!

Puppy love!

Hubby had been asking for a dog for months.  Actually, let's be real, he wasn't asking, he was begging.  I constantly said no.  Cute text messages of puppy pictures, taking me to pet shops, selling me all the pros of having a dog.  It was so frustrating and just flat out annoying.

When I lost our twins in January I finally realised that the time was probably right.  He agreed to the third child, although it didn't happen, maybe I should agree to the puppy.  So off we went to look at puppies (and of course purchase one).

He knew that whether I wanted the puppy or not I would be a responsible pet owner.  Neglecting a dog just isn't in my make up.  I think it's unfair and cruel.  I knew that although he promised to take care of it, reality was, it would be me who looked after him.

So we brought Maximus (now known as Maxi) home and of course I feel in love.  He is naughty, cheeky and down right dumb.  Either way though, he's mine and I love him. 

As soon as he had all of his injections I started walking him.  I recently mapped out on the map my run website that I've been walking him between 5km - 7km up to six times a week.  We've been putting in a lot of effort to make him apart of our family.

I must say though, I'm surprised at how much I have fallen for the little yellow fur ball.  He is more than my puppy.  He's company when I'm home alone, he's my motivation to get out and go walking, he's always happy to see me and of course he's my pain in the butt.

So I can recommend if you are looking for some motivation to loose weight (I've lost almost 3kg so far just walking him), if you need some friendship in your life and if you are happy to see a perfectly beautiful yard get destroyed, then purchase a dog, in particular, a Labrador.

"Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them and filling an emptiness we don't even know we have" ~ Thom Jones (American Author).

 

Out on one of our adventures!



One of the things which I enjoy about having Maxi around is listening to my two year old reprimand him.  If Maxi jumps at the back door to gain attention I can hear James yell out "Maxxxxxi (think a middle eastern accent with the X) sit doooooown"! 

 

He has brought plenty of laughs, smiles and stress to my life.  I wouldn't have it any other way!

 



My  Maxi Boy

 

 

A friendly wake up call

It was Sunday night, I was exhausted, spent, done..... I had hit a wall.

It was bedtime and my almost 4 year old needs me to lay with her to put her to sleep.  I said to my husband "You can do it, I'm done tonight, I'm clocking off".

I went into the lounge room, closed the doors and turned on the next episode of the latest series I was watching.  I had a hot cup of tea and was finally relaxed.  The day was over, yay!

Moments later the door opens, "She wants you" hubby said.  Oh dear.  Not tonight.  I have no energy. 

So in I went, I climbed in to bed and she automatically snuggled right into me.  She fits perfectly.  Her head is squashed up against my face and so there we laid.

Minutes pass and the chit chatting starts "Mummy you know what?" she whispers.... "Sophia, no talking" I respond. Of course she doesn't listen to my request and on she goes to tell me some muddled up story about a movie she had watched that day, her nails which Aunty had painted and dress up day at day care later in the month. 

Sophia was exhausted and overtired.  I was exhausted.  I just didn't have it in me to lay there.  So I told her I was going to take my medicine and I would be right back.  I hoped she just fell asleep on her own.  Wishful thinking.

I snuck back into the lounge room and closed the doors, I instructed hubby to "deal with it".

Next minute I heard her saying "Where is Mummy, I need her to lay with me".  Hubby told her I had gone to the shops to get some milk (bit random I know).  I could hear her getting upset.  I couldn't come out now, it would prove he lied.  I felt awful.  I felt this pull on my heart. 

He ended up laying with her until she was asleep.  Later that evening I was on the computer and read a beautiful blog about how sometimes our children simply need their Mummies.  After finishing the read I snuck back into her room, she was sleeping so peacefully.

I laid next to her and whispered her name.  I wanted her to wake, she didn't.  I said to her "I love you so much my beautiful girl", I kissed her face and left.

Just like the blog I had read said, if you don't take the time to be there for them, to be their shoulder to sleep on, the person to read them an extra story, to give them those thousands of kisses they love, soon they won't need you.  They won't want you to lay there in bed with them.  They will be all grown up.

I think motherhood is all about balance and making the rules up as we go.  Yes there are times we are just too tired, too spent, too exhausted to have the extra energy to give our children.  I don't condemn this, all mothers need time to themselves. 

All I am saying is, every now and then just dig that little bit deeper.  Trust me, the reward is worth it in the end.  The reward far outweighs the guilt of not doing it.

There is no reason we should feel guilty, there is no logic to it.  Yet it is there, Mummy guilt.  It is a powerful thing. 

I can say though, I have never felt guilty for putting her to sleep.  I have never felt guilty for giving her too much time.  I have never felt guilty for spending an extra minute giving her a hug or a kiss.  I have never felt guilty for reading her one extra book that night.

Hold them tight, breath in their goodness and smother your babies with kisses.  Time is passing us by and you want to look back and know that you gave it your all.

A message to a bereaved mother

As Mother's Day approaches my heart goes out to those Mothers who aren't able to hold their child. 

To those Mothers who may not wake up to breakfast in bed.  Who aren't able to experience the spoils of Mother's Day.  The Mothers whose eyes will fill with tears and who carry a heavy heart.

The strongest of Mothers are those whose babies reside in Heaven.  They are brave and resilient, sensitive and kind.  They know a pain like no other.

Whether you held your baby in your arms or your precious gift left this word before you had the chance, you are a Mother.

Your courage and spirit are an inspiration to many.  I know the days can seem dull, they can seem dark and bleak.  Please know that your Angel is watching down on you. 

May your beautiful Angel bring you strength and peace during such a difficult time of year.

Love and the warmest of hugs to you xxx

Knowing my husband "has my back"!

As a child I had one main dream, to have a family.  I wanted a husband and I wanted children.  It was that simple.

In my early 20's I was passionate about my career.  I studied and worked the long hours in order to succeed.  However, my ultimate dream never really left my mind.  I always knew when I met the right man I wanted to settle down, get married and have kids.

I use to say "I got lucky", I found the perfect man relatively young, we were married and we now have two beautiful children.  However, my psychologist says I'm not lucky, I worked hard to get what I want.

It always gets me thinking, is it luck? Or is it hard work to secure your dream?

Looking back we had a rocky start due to some cultural differences.  My husband has an Eastern European background and I'm Australian.  Although at the time the drama of it all was stressful I am thankful I went through that and fought for what I wanted.

So I guess my psychologist was right, in the early days I did work hard to keep my dream alive.

Once things settled down and we were in a "serious" relationship things did seem to be easy for us.  We were extremely happy and were living very blessed lives.

If I'm being honest even marriage and our first child didn't put much strain on our relationship.  We had some minor ups and downs, nothing that wasn't sorted out quickly.

It was after our second that things changed.  Things got a little difficult.

At the time we were living with my parents whilst we were building our home.  It was cramped and certainly not ideal with our toddler and newborn.  Despite this we worked as a team.  We looked out for each other and we "had each others back".

I was diagnosed with PND and even still we stood strong and united.

The time finally came for us to move into our own home.  We were so excited and I thought at the time that this would be the answer to our prayers.  We would go back to being us again.  That didn't happen.

I think finally being out on our own, the stress of PND, the stress of building, our employment struggles, our severe sleep deprivation, it just all caught up to us.

We became room mates instead of husband and wife.  We argued about silly things.  We didn't look out for each other.  Eventually we were just two people living in the same house.

I knew in my heart that something had to change and we needed to get our relationship back on track.  One thing we did do was communicate.  Yet even though we communicated our problems, we still could not seem to come up with a solution.

One huge change which definitely shifted things in the right direction was when James started to sleep through the night.  Once we had some sleep we then had the energy to engage each other.  To talk, to go out and enjoy our lives again.  Things were looking up.

I have to say though, it was very recently that I realised how much I still love this man.

Our entire family was struck down with a tummy bug.  First it was our 2 year old son.  Watching Chris take care of him whilst I did all the cleaning pulled on my heart strings.  A fathers love for his child is a very touching emotion to witness. 

Once James was better I was hit next.  I was lucky enough to be sick on daycare day so the kids were out of the house and I was able to rest.

It was this one tiny, insignificant text from Chris that really made me think.  He wrote "Don't worry about the kids, don't worry about anything, I've got it covered.  Love you".

Of course with my deep thinking mind it had my thoughts wondering around.  I came to the conclusion then that it isn't all about overseas holidays and fancy dinners (although I certainly wouldn't knock either of them back).  It's about the simple gestures we do for each other.

I think long term romance is about taking care of each other and knowing that no matter what he "has my back".

Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure these conclusions have been struck by people many of times before and I'm simply writing about a topic you already know.  However, when they rung true to me last week it was a nice and refreshing feeling.

We have only been married five years this year, so here is to another five and may we stand and jump over all of the hurdles together.

My darling, I've got ya back!