My pregnancy loss and the journey of healing - PART TWO!

grief

ɡriːf/

noun

1. 1.

   intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death.

There is no real point in having a definition of grief is there?  We all suffer grief differently.  I say "suffer" as that's what it feels like when you are experiencing grief.  You feel as though the world is passing you by, people are living and you are suffering.

The day I returned home from hospital felt like emotional torture.  My beautiful, sweet baby girl sat next to me on the lounge.  She took my hands and asked what was wrong, she wanted to know what had happened.

She knew I was pregnant.  I didn't know how to tell her.  How do I explain that the babies had been taken away from me?

I sat with her and said softly "Darling, Mummy had two babies in her tummy", she was quiet, she was looking at me listening carefully, she knew what I was saying was serious.  "The babies were making Mummy sick, so the doctor had to take them out of my tummy".  Her little 3 year old eyes looked at me confused.  She knew what I was saying, yet she didn't understand.  

As a tear slowly rolled down her cheek she looked up at me and finally spoke.  She asked me "Mummy, if the babies were making you sick you should have let me help you.  I could have helped you look after them".  My already broken heart broke that little bit more.

I tried to explain to her that our babies were in Heaven now, that they will be taken care of until one day we see them again.  She wasn't happy.  She didn't want the babies in Heaven.  "Mummy, I wish I could give them a cuddle.  I really wanted to cuddle them.  I wish they didn't have to go away".

We held each other and we cried.

The weeks following the loss of my twins I felt like someone had stolen my heart.  Some nights the pain was so intense that even on extremely strong prescription pain killers I would lay awake crying, trying to catch my breath, trying so hard to settle my mind.  It was impossible.

For two months all I had thought about was the arrival of our baby.  All of a sudden that hope and joy had been ripped away.  It wasn't only taken away, it was taken in such a dramatic way.  I felt cheated.

I specifically remember sitting at the dinner table one night with my husband.  Half way through dinner I just pushed my plate to the side and burst into tears.  He walked to the other side of the table and held me closely.

When I finally calmed down I said to him "I don't understand".  He asked what I was referring to and I explained that I didn't understand why he wasn't sad.  Why didn't he cry, why didn't he think about our loss?  He looked at me with sadness in his eyes "I am sad.  I'm sad that we lost the pregnancy.  However, for me, I almost lost you.  Again.  For me, I'm just glad that you are safe and ok".

Up until then I had never thought about that.  I had never considered how scary the experience would have been for him, seeing me being rushed to emergency surgery, again!

We all deal with things so differently and I hadn't thought about what type of fear and thoughts he was processing during this time.

I knew in my heart I wanted to move on.  I wanted to feel better and I wanted to be happy again.  Things may never be "the same".  However, each experience, each situation, each hurdle in our life shapes us.  They all shape the person we ultimately become.  I wanted to be strong and I wanted to be happy.

Two weeks after my loss I commenced meditation classes with a close friend.  I went in to the class with an open mind and a heavy heart.  I was hoping that somehow the class would allow me to process my racing thoughts and eventually be at peace.  My first class was amazing and I already felt a sense of clarity afterwards.  I felt some questions were answered during my first meditation and my mind took one step closer to slowing down.

Meditation together with visits to my psychologist really did help me process my thoughts.  My psychologists validated my emotions and pain and reassured me that my feelings were all "normal".

There was one thing missing, one piece of the puzzle that I couldn't yet figure out.  I still needed to say goodbye.  

It was chatting to a close friend one night over messenger where she gave me the idea of my balloon release. 

I knew there and then that I wanted my entire family involved and I also knew at that point that I wanted to capture the moment.  I do photography as a hobby and one of the things that saddened me when I thought about my lost babies was never being able to photograph them.  I wanted our balloon release to be photographed so that I never forgot these lost souls.

I am so lucky to have recently become friends with an extremely talented photographer who as soon as I asked to help me said yes.

The day of the balloon release I was so nervous.  I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know what I should be feeling.  The day came and went in a flash and before I knew it we were at the park ready to release some balloons in honour of not only my lost twins but for my initial ectopic pregnancy.  We wanted to farewell the three souls who are in Heaven.

As we let go of the balloons I watched them as they drifted into the sky, I said some prayers in my mind.  I prayed for my three babies, that they were protected and at peace.  I prayed for my two beautiful babies in my arms, may they live long and healthy lives.

I was holding Sophia as she let go of her balloons.  I looked at her and said "Make a wish baby girl"……

She said:

* "I wish I could hold the babies"

* "I wish I could eat lots of cake"

* "I wish Mummy, Daddy and Jamie are happy forever"

* "I wish I could never be hurt ever again"

"I carried you every second of your life and I will love you every second of mine"

What helps you overcome grief? What pulls you through? What makes you smile again?

For me, it was family.  The love and support from my husband held me up, the unconditional love of my two beautiful children kept me strong.  Without them I would be lost.

Never mistake my smile as a sign of forgetting, never mistake my laugh as a sign of having moved on.  I will never forget, I will never move on.  My life is different now.  However, I am happy, I am grateful for the blessings God has given me.

1. 
   

It's nice to be Mum....

One night this week I braved the horrendous Sydney weather and travelled the 45km from my home to the city to watch a theatre production with a girlfriend.

As a Mum, that takes effort.

The rain was relentless, no pause in the weather to even run to the car.  However, despite that, despite being sick with a tummy bug the previous day, I dressed up (I even wore stockings), did my hair and make-up and in we went.

Although it took almost two hours to reach our destination my girlfriend and I didn't mind.  There were plenty of laughs, lots of stories and endless girlie chatter.

We had a quick dinner and watched Les Miserables.  As I imagined the show didn't fail to wow me.

Just before we arrived home I said to my friend "It's nice to get dressed up and go out and feel like yourself again".  She agreed.

We're both Mum's, we both have two children under four and to be frank going out is an effort.  It can seem more effort than it's worth sometimes, however, once I make that effort I always end up having a great night.  Tonight was no different.

I told her it was nice to be ME.  Not a Mum, not a Wife just Me!

We said our goodbyes in the car and I raced in the pouring rain into the house.

I did my usual Mummy rituals around the house and by the time I climbed into bed it was almost midnight.  As soon as my head hit the pillow I was asleep.

Only minutes later I could hear the pitter patter of tiny footsteps coming up the hallway and into the room.  No words are exchanged anymore, my husband or I just add an extra pillow to our bed and in climbs our almost four year old.

Tonight however, after climbing into bed she put her hand on my face and said (as she rubbed my cheek) "Mummy did you have a good night", my muttered response was "yes darling".  She then laid her head onto the pillow next to me and said "Mummy I love you very much"......... "I love you too darling girl".

In that moment I realised, it will always be nice to come home and be Mum!

My pregnancy loss and the journey of healing - PART ONE!

The time had come and I just had to have the chat with my husband.  I had no idea how he was going to feel, how he would react.  Would he be excited, positive, nervous, scared.

We were making the bed one morning and I looked over at him, I mumbled...... "I really want another baby".

His response wasn't what I expected.  He looked up, laughed (this is looking good I thought) and then he said "are you insane?".  Well the truth of the matter is, I may be a little insane, however, yes I wanted a third baby.

After the sleep deprivation, depression, anxiety and even suffering an ectopic pregnancy between Sophia and James I was still sure I wanted a third baby.

So we agreed that we would just "see what happens", however, I knew in my heart of hearts what that meant, I would be pregnant by the end of the year.

January came around quickly and of course I did a blood test at the doctors which confirmed what I already knew, I was pregnant.

My GP completed blood tests once a week over the next three weeks and my levels were increasing dramatically.  However, it wasn't all good news.

It was after a trip to the Emergency department and some inconclusive scans that had me at my Obstetrician's office two weeks before my scheduled appointment.

At this point I was not only scared and completely confused, I was also in an extreme amount of pain and suffering severe morning sickness.

It was at my early Obstetrician appointment that he confirmed I required emergency surgery that afternoon.  He couldn't provide a lot of detail, however, he did lay out what all the possibilities could be, including the "worst case scenario".

When the Obstetrician left the room to schedule in my surgery, Chris' hand reached over and touched mine.   I couldn't look at him.  I couldn't make eye contact.  I felt like I had failed him again and lost yet another pregnancy.

Then the tears started falling onto my cheek.  I don't remember making a single sound.  I just sat and let the tears come out.  I finally looked over at him and he said "I'm here for you, we can do this".

I had grown so strong since the last miscarriage and subsequent PND diagnosis.  I was the happiest I had ever been.  I was sleeping, the kids were great, the family had its rhythm.  I didn't want this being disturbed.  Why did bad stuff keep happening, every time I was back on top something bad happened.

I went home and packed a bag.  I think I was still in shock.  Two days ago I was happily pregnant, now I was going in for surgery because "something" was going on inside me that even my Obstetrician couldn't explain.

Waiting for surgery felt like it took hours and hours to come around.  The time was exhausting and emotional.  Finally I was taken in for my operation.  I was put under, I had no idea at this point what I was going to wake up to.

I woke up in recovery screaming.  In the past I have done the same thing waking up from a general anaesthetic.  I was calling for Chris and the nurses were trying to calm me down, they advised me that he was in the ward waiting for me.  They were trying to help me relax, yet I was hysterical.  Eventually my body gave in to the tiredness and I closed my eyes.

I was laying in recovery with my eyes closed, however, I was awake.  I could hear what the nurses were saying around me.  They did not realise.  They thought I had drifted back to sleep.  This is when I found out.  I heard one nurse say to the other "She doesn't realise yet but she was pregnant with twins".

I didn't open my eyes, I didn't make a sound.  I just laid there completely still and tears were flowing down my face.  All I kept thinking was that I was dreaming and I would soon wake up.

I was taken back to my room where Chris was waiting.  I looked at him and he held my hand tightly.  It's the saddest I have ever seen his face.  I knew something was wrong.  I knew at that point I had lost more than my unborn baby.

I simply asked him "Is it true?", he looked at me and said "Yes, you were pregnant with twins, they have taken both pregnancies and your remaining fallopian tube".

I didn't speak, I cried.  I could not stop crying.  My mind was overwhelmed with so many feelings, so many emotions, so many questions.

I was sent home the next day, sent home without anything other than some pain medication.

Looking back now I am amazed at how the hospitals treat a situation with such little emotion.  No recognition of loss, no counselling services provided.  This was my second pregnancy loss in hospital and on both occasions you are simply sent home the next morning with your script for some pain meds.

A loss of an unborn baby seems to be a controversial topic.  Unfortunately, peoples opinions on the topic vary significantly.  A common question I get asked when I tell people is "How far along were you?".  I can't help but feel the answer to this question will determine how sad I should be.  How long I am allowed to grieve for.

The fact of the matter is, for almost eight weeks I had two babies growing inside my body.  I felt sick, I felt tired, I felt excited, I felt nervous, I felt extreme happiness.  I was planning for the arrival (for one at least).   I was discussing the sex and baby names.  For over a month, the arrival of this baby was at the forefront of my mind.

To have this precious gift ripped away from you in an instant.  Then to be told you can no longer naturally conceive, then to be heartbroken when the doctor advises you it was twins.  It just seems so unfair.  Life can sometimes seem so unfair.

When I returned home the pain both physical and emotional seemed unbearable.  I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that I couldn't lift.  My heart felt like it had been crushed.  Some days I would stand in the shower and cry for what felt like hours.  Sometimes I would cry so hard I struggled to catch my breath.

I started seeing my psychologist again to help me process the grief.  I did not want to forget the babies, I did not want to pretend it didn't happen.  I wanted to talk about it, process it and over time return to the happy place I was prior to the pregnancy.

I know a part of me was lost when those babies left my body, however, I want to live a full and happy life with my family and ensure that my children who are here, my miracles who made it through the vicious cycle of pregnancy have a mother who is present.

Read part two of my story next week which will include photos our amazing balloon release for our two lost souls.

Throw back Thursday - Gratitude (Written November 2013)

 My boy, there is something so special about you which I struggle to articulate. 

Your presence in my life gives me peace. You are medicine for my soul. 

As a tiny baby you managed to drag me out of the darkness and back into the light. 

When I look into your eyes I feel a sense of calm and at that moment everything feels right in the world. 

I will be forever grateful that you were sent to me from God!



A collage of photos of me and my boy when he was a baby ~ amazing how fast time goes.

The ugly truth about Sleep Deprivation

I am pretty confident in saying most people, especially Mum's have suffered sleep deprivation at some point in their life.

There is the science behind sleep deprivation that most people are aware of.  Most of us have read the articles, watched the various segments on A Current Affair or the Today show, spoken to other Mum's about their stories.

The truth of the matter is, sleep deprivation can lead to heart disease, heart attack, high blood pressure, stroke, diabetes and mental illness (including depression and anxiety).  This statement is not an opinion, it is a fact.

Unfortunately, when becoming a mother, sleep deprivation is at times out of our control, it is inevitable.  We chat to our friends, acquaintances and at times when we are really tired complete strangers and soon realise a pattern is emerging.  Our neighbours children don't sleep well, our friends children don't sleep well, the children at playgroup don't sleep well.  You start to think to yourself, this is normal then, right???? Wrong!

This certainly does not have to be the case.  Every child is different, every parent is different.  There are hundreds of books, thousands of stories and millions of opinions.  They all tell you how to put the baby to sleep, how to keep the baby asleep, how to be a great mother, what to feed the baby, what not to feed the baby however, they can all become a little confusing and overwhelming.

The purpose of me writing this post is not to change your routine, change your strategy or influence your parenting style.  One thing I stand by is I am extremely open minded and non-judgemental when it comes to parenting.  However, the purpose is to let you know that there is help out there if you so choose.

So here is my story, take from it what you wish……..

The one year mark for James was about to hit.  The big milestone.  My baby boy would be 1 year old.  How did a whole year pass?  Where did that time go?  The old saying is certainly true "The days are long yet the years are short".

However, one milestone which we still had not yet reached was for James to "sleep through the night". Each month that rolled on by my husband and I would say to each other "It will happen soon, let's be patient".

We received lots of advice and opinions from people we know.  Right down to "just shut the door and leave him".  Surely this was not the answer.  Surely abandoning my baby boy is not the only way to fix this problem.

Overall we were tired, exhausted and completely drained.  Our energy tanks were running on close to empty.  However, if I'm being completely honest, we were happy.  We had somehow found a way to live with the sleep deprivation and enjoy our two children.

James was such an easy baby to put to sleep.  You laid him in is cot, walked out of the room and whola, he was asleep.  Staying asleep however, was a different story. He was waking around 2 to 3 times per night.  Having a bottle and then going straight back to sleep.  This was ok right? We could manage.

Then when James turned 17-months something happened.   To this day I don't know why he changed, however, he soon became the baby who did not want to even go to sleep.

This changed everything.  We would rock him to sleep, pat him to sleep, walk him to sleep, drive the car to put him to sleep.  We did anything we could just to get the boy to sleep.  It was exhausting.

My mental health went from being relatively good to rock bottom in a matter of weeks.  My anxiety was in full force and depression was starting to creep back.  Up to 2 hours before bedtime I would start to suffer anxiety at the thought of having to get him to sleep that night.

How could this happen? I felt like I was on the recovery path from suffering Post Natal Depression and all of a sudden everything came tumbling down.

It was when the anxiety was so bad that I suffered psychosis that I knew I needed help.  To me medication wasn't the answer.  My brain chemicals were just fine, they just needed rest.  They needed sleep.  They needed to re-charge.

I did some research and my findings confirmed that in 2007 there was a connection made between psychosis and sleep deprivation.  I was not going insane by choice, the lack of sleep (I was averaging two to three hours per night) was literally killing me.  It was in fact sending me insane.

I knew from the bottom of my heart that if I could just get James to sleep everything else would fall into place.

I finally made contact with a sleep consultant.  She was amazing.  From the first moment I made contact she could sense my anxiety and the frustration in my messages.  When she phoned me for a chat my speech was racy and I couldn't think straight.

We booked in a time for Kim to come and see me straight away.  I was desperate.  It had now been almost four weeks since James had a proper night sleep.

Kim came to our home and met my family, she did an assessment of our situation and after some lengthy discussions she put a plan in place.  The plan was practical.  It was only making some minor adjustments to our current routine, however, these minor adjustments were critical.

James' response to Kim's routine was amazing.  We were incredibly lucky, however, having said that we followed her guidelines to a tee.  We were so desperate for results we did not want to make any alterations.

Kim's approach was soft and gentle.  Yes he did cry a little, however, at this point I was so desperate to get my life back I was willing to do what it took to get James into a better routine.  I knew that the decisions I was making would benefit both of us in the long term. 

Kim also ensured me that the little bit of crying we allowed wasn't hurting him, that I wasn't abandoning him and she made sure that I was comfortable with the methods we were using. 

We were not only allowing him to learn to sleep on his own, we were building a resilient boy who will inevitably face other challenges throughout his life.  We were teaching him that I am always going to be here for him, however, he needs to also learn new things for himself.  I was in the process of building a strong and confident boy who would one day be a strong and confident man.

The outcome was better than I could have ever imagined.  I had my life back.  I didn't go back to how I was feeling four weeks earlier, I went back to how I was feeling years earlier.  My energy levels took time to increase, however, within a month of James sleeping through the night I felt like a new person.

It wasn't just about me though.  It was the change in James that reassured me we were making the right decision.  He started to eat more, become more alert, his speech improved and he was generally a much happier baby.

I think there are so many Mum's out there who think it is normal to feel so sleep deprived.  Being a Mum is an incredibly exhausting job.  I always say it isn't hard it's draining.  The kids definitely zap a lot of energy out of you. 

However, there is a clear difference between being exhausted and drained at the end of the day to suffering anxiety, depression and psychosis due to extreme sleep deprivation.

I still believe in a gentle approach, I still believe in nurturing your children.  My babies are my world and I would hug them and kiss them all day long if they let me.  However, in order for me to be the best Mum I could possibly be, I needed sleep.

I now have the energy to enjoy a full day with my two children and not suffer anxiety in the process.  I truly believe I am a better mother.

If you are suffering sleep deprivation please feel free to contact Kim.  I have told Kim time and time again she saved my life.  She helped me live again and be extremely happy.

http://www.sleepysaurus.com.au

Place your hand in mine

Today your hand fits so perfectly in mine.  Today I am your whole world.

I value every precious minute with you my darling boy.   I cherish this time as I know it will not be forever.

However, one thing that will last a lifetime is my unconditional love for you.

http://www.kephotography.com.au

Throw back Thursday - My Post Natal Depression Story (Written in October 2014)

In my first post I mentioned that I would start now, start in this moment.  However, I think in order to understand a person and their way of thinking, it is important to understand where they have come from.  What has happened in their life to make them who they are today.

For me I can sit back today and say that I have had an amazing life.  I have been blessed in so many ways.  Like most people there have been some obstacles and challenges along the way.

I feel the biggest challenge I have faced to date, the challenge that I have overcome and beaten was being diagnosed with Post Natal Depression (PND).

For 6-months I was a member of an online support group for Women suffering mental illness.  This support group helped me in so many ways, I will always be grateful to the loving members of this group.

In October 2014 I was asked to write a story about my journey with depression for the support groups newsletter.  Today for Throw back Thursday I would like to share this story with you all.  

Sharing such a personal story is a very difficult thing to do.  There will be judgement, there will be opinions and there may be controversy.  However, I can only write how I feel and be true to myself.

Reading back on my own story today I'm amazed at how far I have come since October last year.  Each month I have grown stronger and I appreciate the life I have more and more every day.

One thing I have always stood by is depression isn't something to be ashamed of.  It is an illness not a choice. 

My story.............

Everything so far had been so easy for me. No drama's, no obstacles, no hardships to get through.

I had grown up with a very loving and close family. Lots of support and guidance.

I partied through my teens and early 20's, had successful jobs and a flourishing career climbing the corporate ladder, studied and completed my Masters in Commerce, had enough doggy boyfriends to know that at 24 I had met the man of my dreams. We travelled overseas together and built a beautiful home. He proposed and we were married in an intimate wedding overseas. 

Our amazing Canadian Wedding.

Easy easy easy.... That's just how life was. I worked hard but I played hard and it was all fun and excitement.

I fell pregnant first time trying with our daughter Sophia. When she was born I thought I'd have it in the bag. Everything else was so easy, why wouldn't motherhood be the same.

For the first 6-weeks of Sophia's life I felt flat. I was down and miserable. Everyone said it was the "baby blues" and that it would pass. It did. By the time Sophia was 6-weeks old life went back to being "easy". I was so in love with my little girl and the life I was living I was in a world of pure bliss.

My beautiful girls Sophia.

When we decided to fall pregnant with James it happened just as quickly as with Sophia. First time and pregnant. I never loved either of my pregnancies but got through them knowing I would have the beautiful most magnificent reward at the end.

On 24th June 2013 James was born. For the four days that I was in hospital I breezed through it. My husband was so impressed with how I was handling our beautiful newborn boy. He kept asking me if I was feeling ok because we were both so nervous about those "baby blues". I was fine. Feeling great. My family was complete and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Our family of four just hours after having James.

I think things really went down hill when I got home.

I had suffered a traumatic delivery with James and was sick with multiple infections. My body was fighting off the infections and battling sleep depravation. Although the sleep deprivation is expected with a newborn, James was a particularly bad sleeper. Sophia woke every 4-hours for her feed and would feed for 45minutes. James on the other hand would wake every hour and just have a tiny feed and then re-wake again in an hour for a bit more. It was beyond draining.

The days were long, they rolled into weeks and slowly I was slipping away. My mood was beyond low and it just kept getting darker and darker. I went to bed each night feeling lost, sad, scared and incredibly anxious. I struggled to see the happy side of life, the positive in the day.

The anxiety of "how much sleep will I get tonight" took it's toll on my body and mind. I couldn't function. During the day I was dealing with a tantruming two year old and a newborn who just didn't want to sleep. I would go to bed at night almost shaking finding it incredibly hard to calm down and fall asleep. Once I finally did, James would wake. It just felt like torture.

It got to the point that each night I would lay in bed thinking "Please God take me away". I didn't want to wake up the next day. I didn't want to live this life. What had happened? How did the my perfect life turn into what felt like living hell.  How could I feel his way? How could I hate being alive when I had so much to live for?  Was I selfish or was I sick?  I was too tired to tell the difference.  I was too tired to think clearly.

The only thing that kept me here, kept me alive was my new baby boy. I had support from so many other people, however, it was my boy that I lived for. How could I abandon this precious newborn baby. He was given to me from God, for a reason. Whatever that reason was, I was determined to find out.

There were no favourites.  There never has been.  However, Sophia was at an extremely challenging age.  I couldn't connect with her anymore.  My easy going little girl was gone and I had a defiant two year old who demanded so much of my attention.  Attention I felt I just could not give on no sleep.

Gone were the days where I was carefree living life as a single chick, gone are the days where it was just me and my gorgeous man, gone were the days where I could just scoot off down to the beach with my little girl. I had two now. It was different. Life was hard!

I felt like I had lost all of my freedom. I felt trapped in this life that I couldn't escape yet couldn't enjoy. I had no idea on how I would ever get better, how I would ever get out of this situation.

When James was 6-weeks old my GP who I have known for almost 10 years took one look at me and said "Jennifer, are you ok". I cried and cried and cried. I told him I hated my life and I didn't know how to fix it. I told him I couldn't do this anymore. There was no happiness, no hope, just pure exhaustion and angst.

That day, I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression. He put me on medication straight away and booked me into Tresillian.

I had read about PND, I had heard about it. I was so confused. I stupidly asked my doctor "But I thought PND was when Mum's wanted to hurt their children and didn't love them or connect with them". He looked at me and explained. He was soft and gentle. He said a lot goes on in your body when you have a baby and after the baby is born it is very common for women to suffer PND. So common it is given it's own name. It's not just "depression", it is "post natal depression".

I wanted to be better, I wanted to be happy. I wanted my old carefree life back. So I went onto medication and set out to find out all I could about PND. I read books, articles, saw a psychologist and tried to reach out or find like minded mothers. Surely there were more out there. I keep hearing how "common" it is, however, no one I knew had gone through it......... Or have they. The more open and honest I became the more people I found who were also suffering.

I had many long sessions with my psychologist going way back to issues I never knew I had. Things I was carrying around which I didn't think bothered me. We opened them up, cleaned them out and closed that door. They were all dealt with properly. Even down to the pregnancy I had lost just before James which up until now I was ignoring. Remember, I had the "perfect life", it was 'easy".

The more I chatted to my psychologist the more I realised that it wasn't necessarily that things were perfect my entire life, more to the point that if they weren't I would just hide them and deny it, even to myself.

8-months after being on anti-depressants I decided it was time for me to come off them. I had tried once before and failed but I was in a better place now and was determined to make it work.

It's been a very long and tough battle. At times I've been encouraged by other people in my life to go back on them but I have stuck it out.

It is a slow process. You have to find yourself, find what it is that makes you happy, simplify life, slow down, enjoy the rocky road and find a positive in every single situation.

I recently had a "relapse". It certainly wasn't pretty, this illness is dark and ugly. I know and have always known in the back of my mind that ending things, suicide, isn't a smart option for me. However, there have been moments where it feels like the only option. I have laid on the ground in my home crying and screaming telling my husband that I can't do this anymore. I have told him that life is just too hard. I would tell him that I don't feel like I'm cut out for it.

There have been times over the months that I've been off my medication that I question everything. I question why I'm here, why I'm the mother of these two gorgeous babies, why I'm a wife to this supportive and amazing man. I feel like they all deserve so much better then me.

Those dark moments, those dark times have taken their toll on me and on my relationship with my husband. However, every single time I have still managed to come out on top. I found that the more open I was about my situation the more help and support I got.

My support unit is extraordinary and I am well aware that there are many people out there who don't have this. They aren't lucky like I am. For that I am so grateful and I will always try and be there for others. I honestly question how I would have ever gotten through this without the amazing people I have around me.

I understand depression now, I understand the difference between the "chemical imbalance" in your brain and learning to build the skills to get myself and my family through the stages of life. Although I do have a great life, great people around me and everything a girl could want, PND was something I couldn't avoid. I did not go through it by choice, I went through it because I had an illness. An illness that at one point was out of my control. An illness that I grew strong enough to bring into my control.

During this journey I have grown to love this beautiful quote:

"Happiness is not something you postpone for the future. It is something you design for the present" ~ Jim Rohn!

With or without medication, with or without support at the end of it all we need to find a way to better ourselves. To make ourselves happy. That process is different for everyone.

Things are brighter today, it's not perfect but the one thing I've learnt is life isn't perfect. No ones life is perfect. However, my life is my kinda perfect. Enough chaos to keep it interesting but enough time out to keep me sane.

In recent days I've even scooted off to the beach, just me and my two babies!

New Years Day at Balmoral with my beautiful babies!