~ STRONGER ~

As the anniversary approaches I have been thinking a lot about my experience.

I lost something very special to me.  My two babies created out of love, magically conceived and developing inside of my body were taken.  These two souls have been imprinted in my heart and will remain there forever.

Although I have not forgotten them, I have grown stronger.

It took time to heal, yet I did just that.  I took the steps needed to recover, heal and be happy again.

I fought off the whispers of negativity, I ignored the notion of "get over it" and I certainly did not let the various antagonising looks or opinions hurt me.

Instead, I embraced the positivity and allowed people to support and guide me through this time.  I knew I would get through and I knew at the end of my journey I would be stronger.

There were many cycles of the healing process and there were many triggers along the way.

For many months I looked for answers, and when I couldn't find any I blamed myself.  I felt my body had let my babies down, it had let me down.  Then, I not only realised that there are no answers but I accepted it.  It doesn't matter how much we search, how much we plead, sometimes in life, the answers simply aren't there.

I feel living in the present and not in the past was a step which I needed to take in order to not only move forward, but to enjoy my life.  To be grateful for the blessings which I have been given.

My life is busy and as much as I try, I can not seem to slow it down.  It seems that my mind is just as busy as my lifestyle. So in order for me to appreciate the beauty of my life and to also slow down my mind, I engage in reflection.

In order to realistically achieve this I go to bed each night and reflect on the day which has passed.  That day only.  Not the week before, not the month before, just the last 12 hours.

I feel that reflecting on the joy and hopefulness which surrounds me allows me to truely be happy.  To feel content at a deeper level than I did before losing my two babies.

It allows me to know and accept that they are not with me, however, I am here, I am alive, I have a beautiful family and we need to create memories and cherish our lives.

I have stopped saying "I almost died" and instead I say "I survived", I have stopped grieving for what could have been and accepted what is.  I try my very hardest to control my mind and my irrational thoughts.  I no longer compare my life to others, instead I learn from others and I teach others.

Life isn't always fair, life isn't always kind, despite this, life is ours.  It is ours to live and we dictate our own peace of mind.

"Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be" ~ Sonia Ricotti