I've hit the half way mark!

I have been sharing my weight loss journey with you all which commenced in April 2015, so on that note I am excited to share that I have hit the half way mark.  I have now lost 12kg!

Although this is a huge accomplishment and I am extremely proud of my effort so far, I'm also nervous.  Half way is dangerous territory.  It's when people start noticing, you start feeling better, you have more energy and a little more confidence.  Therefore, it's easy to stop.  It's easy to think that you are happy enough to stay in this position.

So I have promised myself that my journey is NOT over.  I am HALF WAY, not finished!

I think the second half will be much harder than the first.  I think things will need to change in order for me to drop the next 12kg.  However, I am prepared for this.  I am prepared for an even bigger and tougher challenge ahead.

To everyone who is on some sort of weight loss or body transformation journey, hang in there.  It is such a challenging journey, yet it is a fun one.  It is rewarding and invigorating.

I promise myself I will become a strong and fit Mumma!  I'm doing it for me, I'm doing it for my children and I am doing it for my husband.  So we can all mutually experience the best version of me.

Mum's the word!

How many times a day do you hear the word Mum? Mum, Mumma, Mummy, Mummmmm.  I loose count most days.

The other day we were in the car and my son was calling me "Mummy, mummy, mummy", I was selectively ignoring him.  Then I heard "MUMMMM".  My husband and I couldn't help but laugh.

We take hearing that word for granted.  It happens countless times in any 24 hour period that after the 137th time it's just a word, not much meaning.

A few days ago I had had what felt like an endless day with the kids.  No day sleeps, no down time, no rest, just go go go.  By the end of the day we were all exhausted.  I needed a minute or I felt as though my head was going to explode.

I sat the kids down to their dinner of pasta and cheese (don't judge, I gave myself a high five that it wasn't McDonalds).  While they eat their dinner I normally run around putting a load of washing on, doing the dishes, doing the prep for mine and hubby's dinner.  However, on this day I needed to just stop and be.  So I sat on the lounge while they ate their dinner (in front of the TV, yep I'm one of those parents) and let myself relax.

My daughter, already 4, said "Mummy could you please feed me" in her sweetest, softest voice.  Reluctantly I moved the couch forward and helped feed her dinner.  On a night like this I wish someone could feed me.

As I was shovelling the pasta into her mouth she looked up at me and said "Mummy, thank you for helping, I'm just so tired.  I'm lucky to have a Mummy like you".

WOW child.....  Way to make my heart go BOOM BOOM BOOM.

Just like that when you have nothing left in the tank they give you some fuel.

So I said "You're welcome" and continued shovelling in the pasta.

Then of course I started to think.  I'm her Mummy.  I looked over at my son missing his mouth and putting more pasta on the ground than in his tummy, and I thought, I'm his Mummy.

These two little people think I'm pretty awesome just for being me.

Never ever take for granted that you are someone's Mummy.  That you can hear the sound of the word "Mummy" numerous times a day.  It is a very special gift given by God, cherish it!

On the eve of your birthday…..

If someone asked me what the hardest day of the year was for me, it wouldn't be 22nd January, the day we lost you.  It would be 2nd September.

That date is more significant to me.  That date is the day we should be celebrating with you.  We should be raising a glass with you, laughing with you, hugging you, sharing a piece of cake with you and rejoicing in the fact that you are one year older.

God had other plans.  We will never understand them, we may never even accept them.  However, as much as it pains me to say, we can never change them.

So on 2nd September my heart will be heavy.  Instead of celebrating I will be mourning.  Instead of sharing a drink with you, I will drink in your honour.  Instead of laughing with you I will cry.  I will cry until I drift off to sleep and hope you appear in my dreams as you sometimes do.

Our dreams and memories are all we have left.  Memories of your brief life on this Earth.  Memories of happy times when none of us ever could have thought something so tragic would happen to us.  Memories that I cherish and replay in my mind regularly.

I can remember one of my last happy times with you so vividly.  I can still feel the warmth of the Spring evening, the smell of flowers that had already began to bloom, I can hear the laughter at both our table and the people around us.  I can clearly see your beautiful smiling face.  I will never ever forget the tight squeeze you gave me as we left.  I can hear the words you spoke to me.  As you wrapped your arms around me tightly you thanked us for coming to celebrate your birthday.  It was our pleasure I responded.

The memories from that night have been etched in my mind and they will remain there forever.  I replay them in fear of forgetting them.  I replay them so that no matter what my cousin David will always have a place in my heart.

The pain never goes away, the heartache will always be raw.  All I can do to make sense of it and hope that you are in a beautiful place.  I pray to God that you are with him in paradise.

My gorgeous cousin David, my love for you is endless!

Love your cuzzie Jen
x

City2Surf

I enrolled, I conquered and I loved it.

I decided to walk the City2Surf this year in order to raise money for Bears of Hope.  Such a worthwhile charity who help the lives of so many families when their world feels like it has been shattered in an instant.

I joined a team, the team leader, a girl who I had met through Bears of Hope had lost two beautiful babies and I decided to walk with her (and her family and friends) to honour them.

With Renee before the race.  Such an emotional day for Renee walking for her two children Gabriel and Lily.

I was also walking for me.  To honour my three babies who I wasn't able to hold in my arms.  I wanted to prove to myself that it wasn't all for nothing.  I needed to do something, to change something, to fix something.  This was it.

I didn't do any City2Surf training as such (which I don't necessarily recommend).  However, my fitness was improving with all of my gym work and seeing my PT weekly.

When the big day came I was up at the crack of dawn getting ready.  My Mother-in-Law must have lost the memo that firstly, it was only City2Surf and secondly, that this body doesn't really need any extra food.

None the less, as her Eastern European culture would suggest she made me a breakfast of champions…. Bacon, eggs, toast, traditional Macedonian pastries, the works.  I ate what I could and politely said I couldn't fit anymore in or they would be rolling me over the finish line.

Once the race started I felt energised (a little thirsty from all the bacon but energised and ready).  I thought I would feel emotional and possibly sad.  However, my body was full or adrenaline.  I think the City2Surf was a perfect walk to do to remember my babies as the atmosphere around you is electrifying.

I did most of the walk with ease, it was actually when I saw the 12km mark it hit me, I honestly didn't know if I had anything left.  I didn't think I could possibly walk the extra 2km to the finish line.  My legs were hurting, my back was aching, my hips were sore and my feet were starting to form these awesome blisters that I knew at that point would last a few days.

I kept going, as you do, you pull strength from places you never knew you had strength.  I thought of my beautiful family sitting at home waiting for me, I thought about my babies watching down on me, I thought about all the money my generous family and friends had donated and most of all I thought of me.  I knew that I DID NOT want to be the person who couldn't finish.

I decided to run over the finish line (was the only real part of the race I ran) and the feeling of making it to the other side was amazing.

Almost like fate, the minute I crossed, my phone started ringing.  I answered it and it was my husband.  His support to get me to this point was beyond amazing.  I hear "Where are you at"…… ", "I'M FINISHED" I screamed.  All I could then hear was screaming and cheering and clapping.  He was in the car with our two children and my Brother-in-Law.

What a feeling walking down the home stretch seeing Bondi beach in all it's glory.

I made the long journey back to my in-laws house (2 hours to travel 15km).  When I arrived I was greeted like an Olympian.  My daughter ran to the front door screaming "The Champion is home".  My Father-in-Law had a smile from ear to ear and said "Well done we're proud of you".

The feeling of finishing is more than I could have expected.  It was an honour to walk the course and remember all of the babies who were watching over us.

I raised over $1,200 (and team Gabriel and Lily together raised over $6,500) which will be put towards special packages sent to families whose lives will unfortunately change forever.  My hope is that this package will ease their pain ever so slightly.  It will give them something to cherish and love forever.

The support of my family and friends both mentally, emotionally and financially has been amazing.  I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart.

In loving memory of Gabriel & Lily Rosasqui and my 3 Angels in Heaven. 

~ May they rest in paradise ~

 

 

B R E A K F A S T

This title doesn't sound super interesting, so thank you for clicking.

If you have read previous posts you would know that I am on an incredible weight loss journey.  By incredible I  mean fun, exciting and challenging (not that I am some awesome super hero).

So far I can thank most (actually let's be real all) of my weight loss to the gym.  I exercise 5 times per week and just LOVE it.  I think the gym can definitely become an addiction, so I have been sure to work it around my other priorities in life.

I was thinking the other day about my journey so far and I couldn't help but think, if I were to become sick or injured and couldn't go to the gym for a day, a week, a month even, what would happen?

Well we all know what would happen.  The weight would definitely creep back on, and probably a lot faster than it came off.

So I had to make a change.  I had to stop eating "whatever I wanted" and start to think about what goes in my mouth and why.  Am I emotional eating? Do I really "need" that? What is the benefit of this meal to my body and mental health?

I took the plunge and decided to join Weight Watchers.  Now at this point I may have lost some of you as I do know that everyone has an opinion on different diet regimes and what is good for you and what isn't.  Hear me out though…..

I joined Weight Watchers because I needed to take control of my portions.  I think I eat relatively well, however, I definitely eat too much.  I needed (even just for 6 or 12 months) to be accountable for what went in my mouth.

I do like their philosophy of not holding back any foods.  Personally, as soon as someone says to me "You can't eat that", it soon becomes an obsession, it's all I think about.

You can eat whatever you want really, as long as you don't over eat.  They encourage filling foods, foods with a low GI that keep you fuller for longer.

So since joining (only four days ago), I have come up with a healthy, filling, brekkie or snack.  It does have some sugar in it, so those with Diabetes or issues with sugar should review before eating.  However, it also has a huge amount of benefits.  It satisfies my cravings on so many levels and fills me up for at least 3 hours every time.

What I use…….

* 1 squeeze tube of Chobani Greek Yoghurt (plain of flavoured.  Note: flavoured have a higher sugar content)
* 1/2 cup chopped up Strawberries
* 1/2 banana (I save the other half for after my morning work out)
* 20g granola (I use O&G brand), this adds crunch and texture to the dish

You could also sprinkle on top if you wish…..

* Shredded coconut
* Chia seeds
* Teaspoon of honey (if you choose the flavourless Greek Yoghurt)
* Raw nuts (slithered almonds would go perfectly)

This is what breakfast in my house is looking like these days…..

So basically give it a go, it's a great start to the day.  I honestly think if you start the day with a tummy filled with nutritious and tasty foods you definitely start in a better mood.

Set yourself up for success!

Appreciating my body for all it has done for me!

I was sitting in the spa at the gym enjoying some much needed relaxation time.  I was exhausted and sore from walking in the City2Surf the day before.  My body ached, my shins and hips were in pain.  I closed my eyes and started thinking.

I thought about how my body looked five years ago compared to now.  How I was slim, fit and healthy.  I had no stress and life was relatively care free.

I then went on to think about how I have to stop wishing my body was the same as it was five years ago.  Although I am actively trying to improve my health by eating the right foods and exercising regularly, constantly wishing I could rewind the clock is doing my mental health no favours.

In the past four months I have lost 8kg, however, even 8kg lighter I am still 20kg over my "goal weight".  Up until today this is all I kept focusing on.  When people would give me compliments on my weight loss the first thing I would either think or say is "Oh yes but I still have a long way to go".

I haven't once stopped and felt proud that I have lost 8kg.  I haven't stopped and looked at how far I've come since April.  All I have done is look back on photos where I am much thinner than I am today and wished I was in that place.

Sitting in the spa today I thought to myself.  Who was that girl in the photos, who was that thin girl with no wrinkles and perky boobs?  What was it that I daydreamed of back then?  Then it came to me, these were my thoughts in 2010 just five years ago:

* I can't wait to get married;
* As soon as I'm married I want to start a family;
* I need to loose more weight (must get to the gym more, must eat healthier, must cut out junk food).

So even then, even at my thinnest, I don't know that I was every really happy with my appearance.  So I thought to myself, if I wasn't happy then how could I be happy now?

I decided to look at what I have achieved in the past five years which has lead me to where I am today…….

* I may not have a flat tummy anymore, however, this tummy has been pregnant four times and delivered two beautiful babies;
* I may not have perky boobs, however, I breast fed my two gorgeous babies for the first part of their lives to ensure they had the healthiest possible start;
* I may look weathered, however, this mind and this soul has beaten Post Natal Depression, come out the other side of personal grief and faced redundancies, career lows and financial stress head on and still come out ok.

The pre-chidlren and post-children version of my body.  One thing that I can honestly say is in each photo I am truly happy with my life.

My 20's were fun, fast paced and let's face it non-stop.  I had all the time in the world to focus on me and my needs.  I was my main priority.

These days it's a balancing act.  Finding the right amount of time to focus on me and my personal needs as well as looking after my two children and spending quality time with not only my gorgeous husband but also my family and friends.

I feel as though right now everything in my life is well balanced.  The only thing I was continually struggling with is my body image.  I was sick of looking in the mirror and seeing "fat".

So from this day forward I vow not to do that.  I promise myself that whilst I am on this amazing weight loss journey I love my body at each and every stage.

I will praise myself for the amazing job my body has done over the past five years.  I stop and I thank my body for not only providing me with a beautiful family but also for keeping me alive.

For anyone else who is struggling with body image issues, please stop and think about what your body has done for you.  Before you look at yourself in the mirror with disgust and frustration, take a minute to think about where you have come from and where you are going.

Although it is ok to want to make changes, to live a healthier lifestyle and be the best version of yourself, I also think it is important we don't continually beat ourselves up for not being picture perfect.

Living for today!

Live each moment and breath in his presence.  Watch his every movement and listen to his every sound, smell his skin and touch his face.  Don't ever forget what right now feels like.  Tomorrow hasn't come yet and yesterday has already passed, all you can do is live with your boy today.