Throw back Thursday - My Post Natal Depression Story (Written in October 2014)

In my first post I mentioned that I would start now, start in this moment.  However, I think in order to understand a person and their way of thinking, it is important to understand where they have come from.  What has happened in their life to make them who they are today.

For me I can sit back today and say that I have had an amazing life.  I have been blessed in so many ways.  Like most people there have been some obstacles and challenges along the way.

I feel the biggest challenge I have faced to date, the challenge that I have overcome and beaten was being diagnosed with Post Natal Depression (PND).

For 6-months I was a member of an online support group for Women suffering mental illness.  This support group helped me in so many ways, I will always be grateful to the loving members of this group.

In October 2014 I was asked to write a story about my journey with depression for the support groups newsletter.  Today for Throw back Thursday I would like to share this story with you all.  

Sharing such a personal story is a very difficult thing to do.  There will be judgement, there will be opinions and there may be controversy.  However, I can only write how I feel and be true to myself.

Reading back on my own story today I'm amazed at how far I have come since October last year.  Each month I have grown stronger and I appreciate the life I have more and more every day.

One thing I have always stood by is depression isn't something to be ashamed of.  It is an illness not a choice. 

My story.............

Everything so far had been so easy for me. No drama's, no obstacles, no hardships to get through.

I had grown up with a very loving and close family. Lots of support and guidance.

I partied through my teens and early 20's, had successful jobs and a flourishing career climbing the corporate ladder, studied and completed my Masters in Commerce, had enough doggy boyfriends to know that at 24 I had met the man of my dreams. We travelled overseas together and built a beautiful home. He proposed and we were married in an intimate wedding overseas. 

Our amazing Canadian Wedding.

Easy easy easy.... That's just how life was. I worked hard but I played hard and it was all fun and excitement.

I fell pregnant first time trying with our daughter Sophia. When she was born I thought I'd have it in the bag. Everything else was so easy, why wouldn't motherhood be the same.

For the first 6-weeks of Sophia's life I felt flat. I was down and miserable. Everyone said it was the "baby blues" and that it would pass. It did. By the time Sophia was 6-weeks old life went back to being "easy". I was so in love with my little girl and the life I was living I was in a world of pure bliss.

My beautiful girls Sophia.

When we decided to fall pregnant with James it happened just as quickly as with Sophia. First time and pregnant. I never loved either of my pregnancies but got through them knowing I would have the beautiful most magnificent reward at the end.

On 24th June 2013 James was born. For the four days that I was in hospital I breezed through it. My husband was so impressed with how I was handling our beautiful newborn boy. He kept asking me if I was feeling ok because we were both so nervous about those "baby blues". I was fine. Feeling great. My family was complete and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Our family of four just hours after having James.

I think things really went down hill when I got home.

I had suffered a traumatic delivery with James and was sick with multiple infections. My body was fighting off the infections and battling sleep depravation. Although the sleep deprivation is expected with a newborn, James was a particularly bad sleeper. Sophia woke every 4-hours for her feed and would feed for 45minutes. James on the other hand would wake every hour and just have a tiny feed and then re-wake again in an hour for a bit more. It was beyond draining.

The days were long, they rolled into weeks and slowly I was slipping away. My mood was beyond low and it just kept getting darker and darker. I went to bed each night feeling lost, sad, scared and incredibly anxious. I struggled to see the happy side of life, the positive in the day.

The anxiety of "how much sleep will I get tonight" took it's toll on my body and mind. I couldn't function. During the day I was dealing with a tantruming two year old and a newborn who just didn't want to sleep. I would go to bed at night almost shaking finding it incredibly hard to calm down and fall asleep. Once I finally did, James would wake. It just felt like torture.

It got to the point that each night I would lay in bed thinking "Please God take me away". I didn't want to wake up the next day. I didn't want to live this life. What had happened? How did the my perfect life turn into what felt like living hell.  How could I feel his way? How could I hate being alive when I had so much to live for?  Was I selfish or was I sick?  I was too tired to tell the difference.  I was too tired to think clearly.

The only thing that kept me here, kept me alive was my new baby boy. I had support from so many other people, however, it was my boy that I lived for. How could I abandon this precious newborn baby. He was given to me from God, for a reason. Whatever that reason was, I was determined to find out.

There were no favourites.  There never has been.  However, Sophia was at an extremely challenging age.  I couldn't connect with her anymore.  My easy going little girl was gone and I had a defiant two year old who demanded so much of my attention.  Attention I felt I just could not give on no sleep.

Gone were the days where I was carefree living life as a single chick, gone are the days where it was just me and my gorgeous man, gone were the days where I could just scoot off down to the beach with my little girl. I had two now. It was different. Life was hard!

I felt like I had lost all of my freedom. I felt trapped in this life that I couldn't escape yet couldn't enjoy. I had no idea on how I would ever get better, how I would ever get out of this situation.

When James was 6-weeks old my GP who I have known for almost 10 years took one look at me and said "Jennifer, are you ok". I cried and cried and cried. I told him I hated my life and I didn't know how to fix it. I told him I couldn't do this anymore. There was no happiness, no hope, just pure exhaustion and angst.

That day, I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression. He put me on medication straight away and booked me into Tresillian.

I had read about PND, I had heard about it. I was so confused. I stupidly asked my doctor "But I thought PND was when Mum's wanted to hurt their children and didn't love them or connect with them". He looked at me and explained. He was soft and gentle. He said a lot goes on in your body when you have a baby and after the baby is born it is very common for women to suffer PND. So common it is given it's own name. It's not just "depression", it is "post natal depression".

I wanted to be better, I wanted to be happy. I wanted my old carefree life back. So I went onto medication and set out to find out all I could about PND. I read books, articles, saw a psychologist and tried to reach out or find like minded mothers. Surely there were more out there. I keep hearing how "common" it is, however, no one I knew had gone through it......... Or have they. The more open and honest I became the more people I found who were also suffering.

I had many long sessions with my psychologist going way back to issues I never knew I had. Things I was carrying around which I didn't think bothered me. We opened them up, cleaned them out and closed that door. They were all dealt with properly. Even down to the pregnancy I had lost just before James which up until now I was ignoring. Remember, I had the "perfect life", it was 'easy".

The more I chatted to my psychologist the more I realised that it wasn't necessarily that things were perfect my entire life, more to the point that if they weren't I would just hide them and deny it, even to myself.

8-months after being on anti-depressants I decided it was time for me to come off them. I had tried once before and failed but I was in a better place now and was determined to make it work.

It's been a very long and tough battle. At times I've been encouraged by other people in my life to go back on them but I have stuck it out.

It is a slow process. You have to find yourself, find what it is that makes you happy, simplify life, slow down, enjoy the rocky road and find a positive in every single situation.

I recently had a "relapse". It certainly wasn't pretty, this illness is dark and ugly. I know and have always known in the back of my mind that ending things, suicide, isn't a smart option for me. However, there have been moments where it feels like the only option. I have laid on the ground in my home crying and screaming telling my husband that I can't do this anymore. I have told him that life is just too hard. I would tell him that I don't feel like I'm cut out for it.

There have been times over the months that I've been off my medication that I question everything. I question why I'm here, why I'm the mother of these two gorgeous babies, why I'm a wife to this supportive and amazing man. I feel like they all deserve so much better then me.

Those dark moments, those dark times have taken their toll on me and on my relationship with my husband. However, every single time I have still managed to come out on top. I found that the more open I was about my situation the more help and support I got.

My support unit is extraordinary and I am well aware that there are many people out there who don't have this. They aren't lucky like I am. For that I am so grateful and I will always try and be there for others. I honestly question how I would have ever gotten through this without the amazing people I have around me.

I understand depression now, I understand the difference between the "chemical imbalance" in your brain and learning to build the skills to get myself and my family through the stages of life. Although I do have a great life, great people around me and everything a girl could want, PND was something I couldn't avoid. I did not go through it by choice, I went through it because I had an illness. An illness that at one point was out of my control. An illness that I grew strong enough to bring into my control.

During this journey I have grown to love this beautiful quote:

"Happiness is not something you postpone for the future. It is something you design for the present" ~ Jim Rohn!

With or without medication, with or without support at the end of it all we need to find a way to better ourselves. To make ourselves happy. That process is different for everyone.

Things are brighter today, it's not perfect but the one thing I've learnt is life isn't perfect. No ones life is perfect. However, my life is my kinda perfect. Enough chaos to keep it interesting but enough time out to keep me sane.

In recent days I've even scooted off to the beach, just me and my two babies!

New Years Day at Balmoral with my beautiful babies!