The time had come and I just had to have the chat with my husband. I had no idea how he was going to feel, how he would react. Would he be excited, positive, nervous, scared.
We were making the bed one morning and I looked over at him, I mumbled...... "I really want another baby".
His response wasn't what I expected. He looked up, laughed (this is looking good I thought) and then he said "are you insane?". Well the truth of the matter is, I may be a little insane, however, yes I wanted a third baby.
After the sleep deprivation, depression, anxiety and even suffering an ectopic pregnancy between Sophia and James I was still sure I wanted a third baby.
So we agreed that we would just "see what happens", however, I knew in my heart of hearts what that meant, I would be pregnant by the end of the year.
January came around quickly and of course I did a blood test at the doctors which confirmed what I already knew, I was pregnant.
My GP completed blood tests once a week over the next three weeks and my levels were increasing dramatically. However, it wasn't all good news.
It was after a trip to the Emergency department and some inconclusive scans that had me at my Obstetrician's office two weeks before my scheduled appointment.
At this point I was not only scared and completely confused, I was also in an extreme amount of pain and suffering severe morning sickness.
It was at my early Obstetrician appointment that he confirmed I required emergency surgery that afternoon. He couldn't provide a lot of detail, however, he did lay out what all the possibilities could be, including the "worst case scenario".
When the Obstetrician left the room to schedule in my surgery, Chris' hand reached over and touched mine. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't make eye contact. I felt like I had failed him again and lost yet another pregnancy.
Then the tears started falling onto my cheek. I don't remember making a single sound. I just sat and let the tears come out. I finally looked over at him and he said "I'm here for you, we can do this".
I had grown so strong since the last miscarriage and subsequent PND diagnosis. I was the happiest I had ever been. I was sleeping, the kids were great, the family had its rhythm. I didn't want this being disturbed. Why did bad stuff keep happening, every time I was back on top something bad happened.
I went home and packed a bag. I think I was still in shock. Two days ago I was happily pregnant, now I was going in for surgery because "something" was going on inside me that even my Obstetrician couldn't explain.
Waiting for surgery felt like it took hours and hours to come around. The time was exhausting and emotional. Finally I was taken in for my operation. I was put under, I had no idea at this point what I was going to wake up to.
I woke up in recovery screaming. In the past I have done the same thing waking up from a general anaesthetic. I was calling for Chris and the nurses were trying to calm me down, they advised me that he was in the ward waiting for me. They were trying to help me relax, yet I was hysterical. Eventually my body gave in to the tiredness and I closed my eyes.
I was laying in recovery with my eyes closed, however, I was awake. I could hear what the nurses were saying around me. They did not realise. They thought I had drifted back to sleep. This is when I found out. I heard one nurse say to the other "She doesn't realise yet but she was pregnant with twins".
I didn't open my eyes, I didn't make a sound. I just laid there completely still and tears were flowing down my face. All I kept thinking was that I was dreaming and I would soon wake up.
I was taken back to my room where Chris was waiting. I looked at him and he held my hand tightly. It's the saddest I have ever seen his face. I knew something was wrong. I knew at that point I had lost more than my unborn baby.
I simply asked him "Is it true?", he looked at me and said "Yes, you were pregnant with twins, they have taken both pregnancies and your remaining fallopian tube".
I didn't speak, I cried. I could not stop crying. My mind was overwhelmed with so many feelings, so many emotions, so many questions.
I was sent home the next day, sent home without anything other than some pain medication.
Looking back now I am amazed at how the hospitals treat a situation with such little emotion. No recognition of loss, no counselling services provided. This was my second pregnancy loss in hospital and on both occasions you are simply sent home the next morning with your script for some pain meds.
A loss of an unborn baby seems to be a controversial topic. Unfortunately, peoples opinions on the topic vary significantly. A common question I get asked when I tell people is "How far along were you?". I can't help but feel the answer to this question will determine how sad I should be. How long I am allowed to grieve for.
The fact of the matter is, for almost eight weeks I had two babies growing inside my body. I felt sick, I felt tired, I felt excited, I felt nervous, I felt extreme happiness. I was planning for the arrival (for one at least). I was discussing the sex and baby names. For over a month, the arrival of this baby was at the forefront of my mind.
To have this precious gift ripped away from you in an instant. Then to be told you can no longer naturally conceive, then to be heartbroken when the doctor advises you it was twins. It just seems so unfair. Life can sometimes seem so unfair.
When I returned home the pain both physical and emotional seemed unbearable. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that I couldn't lift. My heart felt like it had been crushed. Some days I would stand in the shower and cry for what felt like hours. Sometimes I would cry so hard I struggled to catch my breath.
I started seeing my psychologist again to help me process the grief. I did not want to forget the babies, I did not want to pretend it didn't happen. I wanted to talk about it, process it and over time return to the happy place I was prior to the pregnancy.
I know a part of me was lost when those babies left my body, however, I want to live a full and happy life with my family and ensure that my children who are here, my miracles who made it through the vicious cycle of pregnancy have a mother who is present.
Read part two of my story next week which will include photos our amazing balloon release for our two lost souls.
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