My pregnancy loss and the journey of healing - PART TWO!

grief

ɡriːf/

noun

1. 1.

   intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death.

There is no real point in having a definition of grief is there?  We all suffer grief differently.  I say "suffer" as that's what it feels like when you are experiencing grief.  You feel as though the world is passing you by, people are living and you are suffering.

The day I returned home from hospital felt like emotional torture.  My beautiful, sweet baby girl sat next to me on the lounge.  She took my hands and asked what was wrong, she wanted to know what had happened.

She knew I was pregnant.  I didn't know how to tell her.  How do I explain that the babies had been taken away from me?

I sat with her and said softly "Darling, Mummy had two babies in her tummy", she was quiet, she was looking at me listening carefully, she knew what I was saying was serious.  "The babies were making Mummy sick, so the doctor had to take them out of my tummy".  Her little 3 year old eyes looked at me confused.  She knew what I was saying, yet she didn't understand.  

As a tear slowly rolled down her cheek she looked up at me and finally spoke.  She asked me "Mummy, if the babies were making you sick you should have let me help you.  I could have helped you look after them".  My already broken heart broke that little bit more.

I tried to explain to her that our babies were in Heaven now, that they will be taken care of until one day we see them again.  She wasn't happy.  She didn't want the babies in Heaven.  "Mummy, I wish I could give them a cuddle.  I really wanted to cuddle them.  I wish they didn't have to go away".

We held each other and we cried.

The weeks following the loss of my twins I felt like someone had stolen my heart.  Some nights the pain was so intense that even on extremely strong prescription pain killers I would lay awake crying, trying to catch my breath, trying so hard to settle my mind.  It was impossible.

For two months all I had thought about was the arrival of our baby.  All of a sudden that hope and joy had been ripped away.  It wasn't only taken away, it was taken in such a dramatic way.  I felt cheated.

I specifically remember sitting at the dinner table one night with my husband.  Half way through dinner I just pushed my plate to the side and burst into tears.  He walked to the other side of the table and held me closely.

When I finally calmed down I said to him "I don't understand".  He asked what I was referring to and I explained that I didn't understand why he wasn't sad.  Why didn't he cry, why didn't he think about our loss?  He looked at me with sadness in his eyes "I am sad.  I'm sad that we lost the pregnancy.  However, for me, I almost lost you.  Again.  For me, I'm just glad that you are safe and ok".

Up until then I had never thought about that.  I had never considered how scary the experience would have been for him, seeing me being rushed to emergency surgery, again!

We all deal with things so differently and I hadn't thought about what type of fear and thoughts he was processing during this time.

I knew in my heart I wanted to move on.  I wanted to feel better and I wanted to be happy again.  Things may never be "the same".  However, each experience, each situation, each hurdle in our life shapes us.  They all shape the person we ultimately become.  I wanted to be strong and I wanted to be happy.

Two weeks after my loss I commenced meditation classes with a close friend.  I went in to the class with an open mind and a heavy heart.  I was hoping that somehow the class would allow me to process my racing thoughts and eventually be at peace.  My first class was amazing and I already felt a sense of clarity afterwards.  I felt some questions were answered during my first meditation and my mind took one step closer to slowing down.

Meditation together with visits to my psychologist really did help me process my thoughts.  My psychologists validated my emotions and pain and reassured me that my feelings were all "normal".

There was one thing missing, one piece of the puzzle that I couldn't yet figure out.  I still needed to say goodbye.  

It was chatting to a close friend one night over messenger where she gave me the idea of my balloon release. 

I knew there and then that I wanted my entire family involved and I also knew at that point that I wanted to capture the moment.  I do photography as a hobby and one of the things that saddened me when I thought about my lost babies was never being able to photograph them.  I wanted our balloon release to be photographed so that I never forgot these lost souls.

I am so lucky to have recently become friends with an extremely talented photographer who as soon as I asked to help me said yes.

The day of the balloon release I was so nervous.  I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know what I should be feeling.  The day came and went in a flash and before I knew it we were at the park ready to release some balloons in honour of not only my lost twins but for my initial ectopic pregnancy.  We wanted to farewell the three souls who are in Heaven.

As we let go of the balloons I watched them as they drifted into the sky, I said some prayers in my mind.  I prayed for my three babies, that they were protected and at peace.  I prayed for my two beautiful babies in my arms, may they live long and healthy lives.

I was holding Sophia as she let go of her balloons.  I looked at her and said "Make a wish baby girl"……

She said:

* "I wish I could hold the babies"

* "I wish I could eat lots of cake"

* "I wish Mummy, Daddy and Jamie are happy forever"

* "I wish I could never be hurt ever again"

"I carried you every second of your life and I will love you every second of mine"

What helps you overcome grief? What pulls you through? What makes you smile again?

For me, it was family.  The love and support from my husband held me up, the unconditional love of my two beautiful children kept me strong.  Without them I would be lost.

Never mistake my smile as a sign of forgetting, never mistake my laugh as a sign of having moved on.  I will never forget, I will never move on.  My life is different now.  However, I am happy, I am grateful for the blessings God has given me.

1.