It was Sunday night, I was exhausted, spent, done..... I had hit a wall.
It was bedtime and my almost 4 year old needs me to lay with her to put her to sleep. I said to my husband "You can do it, I'm done tonight, I'm clocking off".
I went into the lounge room, closed the doors and turned on the next episode of the latest series I was watching. I had a hot cup of tea and was finally relaxed. The day was over, yay!
Moments later the door opens, "She wants you" hubby said. Oh dear. Not tonight. I have no energy.
So in I went, I climbed in to bed and she automatically snuggled right into me. She fits perfectly. Her head is squashed up against my face and so there we laid.
Minutes pass and the chit chatting starts "Mummy you know what?" she whispers.... "Sophia, no talking" I respond. Of course she doesn't listen to my request and on she goes to tell me some muddled up story about a movie she had watched that day, her nails which Aunty had painted and dress up day at day care later in the month.
Sophia was exhausted and overtired. I was exhausted. I just didn't have it in me to lay there. So I told her I was going to take my medicine and I would be right back. I hoped she just fell asleep on her own. Wishful thinking.
I snuck back into the lounge room and closed the doors, I instructed hubby to "deal with it".
Next minute I heard her saying "Where is Mummy, I need her to lay with me". Hubby told her I had gone to the shops to get some milk (bit random I know). I could hear her getting upset. I couldn't come out now, it would prove he lied. I felt awful. I felt this pull on my heart.
He ended up laying with her until she was asleep. Later that evening I was on the computer and read a beautiful blog about how sometimes our children simply need their Mummies. After finishing the read I snuck back into her room, she was sleeping so peacefully.
I laid next to her and whispered her name. I wanted her to wake, she didn't. I said to her "I love you so much my beautiful girl", I kissed her face and left.
Just like the blog I had read said, if you don't take the time to be there for them, to be their shoulder to sleep on, the person to read them an extra story, to give them those thousands of kisses they love, soon they won't need you. They won't want you to lay there in bed with them. They will be all grown up.
I think motherhood is all about balance and making the rules up as we go. Yes there are times we are just too tired, too spent, too exhausted to have the extra energy to give our children. I don't condemn this, all mothers need time to themselves.
All I am saying is, every now and then just dig that little bit deeper. Trust me, the reward is worth it in the end. The reward far outweighs the guilt of not doing it.
There is no reason we should feel guilty, there is no logic to it. Yet it is there, Mummy guilt. It is a powerful thing.
I can say though, I have never felt guilty for putting her to sleep. I have never felt guilty for giving her too much time. I have never felt guilty for spending an extra minute giving her a hug or a kiss. I have never felt guilty for reading her one extra book that night.
Hold them tight, breath in their goodness and smother your babies with kisses. Time is passing us by and you want to look back and know that you gave it your all.
No comments:
Post a Comment